Fog and the Flame
by redphienix
Summary: Natsuki / Yuri shipping and recovery fic. Natsuki has hidden her home life from everyone for as long as she can remember, but one day as the Literature Club shared their poems she found that someone else had noticed. Themes of self harm and abuse are present. Neither are glorified or extreme in nature.
1. Chapter 1

Fog and the Flame - Ch 1

It was another day. I sit my bag down and quickly do a mental catch up. I'm in the clubroom, the entire day went by without me catching on to most of it. My bag's loaded with work to finish tonight, so at least I was aware enough to do that.

Not every day, but some days I just seem to breeze through them without anything sticking. I wish that was intentional, but really everything just gets foggy. I have a bad day and the following day I barely comprehend what happens. This is a 'following' day.

I pull myself together, everyone here knows that Natsuki is a rowdy girl made of fire. I don't want them poking into my business because "little" Natsuki didn't eat since yesterday and was having trouble spacing out. Who knows what they'd think of me then, but sometimes it's like this. I try so hard to keep off Papa's radar but he's unpredictable. One bad day at work and some stupid decisions and the ice I'm standing on breaks through.

Shaking my head I run my hands down my uniform to double check that I'm not as disheveled on the outside as I feel inside. Nothing out of place and my bruises from last night were out of the way, just a small patch on my back from being pushed into my room and a bruised shoulder. Both completely hidden and unlikely to bring attention today, at least. I think I'm all together, now why didn't I think to stash any snacks in the clubroom in case something like this happened? Why didn't I get a bigger lunch yesterday before Papa went and took my lunch money and threw me to bed without dinner?

You didn't know.  
You couldn't have known.  
You should have known.  
Prepare better.  
Just the other day you were tossing snacks around when you could have held onto them for today.  
Idiot.  
Shut up.

"Is everything okay, Natsuki?"

A shiver began to run down my spine before I stopped myself and tried to hide it by spinning around to see Yuri behind me. I must have zoned out completely again, she startled me.

"O-oh! Hey, Yuri. When did you decide to show up, I've been waiting for you all fo-.." I quickly realize that literally everyone is here already. I'm sure I was the first one here; How long was I looking myself over? Good going, Natsuki. You probably looked crazy just standing there straightening out my uniform. Who knows what they're thinking now.

"I mean, I was! When are we getting started around here?" I try to throw on some bravado but I can't come up with the right tone or inflection to use here, I've really stumbled.

"I'm sorry, I'm not sure when Monika wants us to start sharing today, I just wanted to grab my tea set." Yuri says as she points behind me towards the closeted set.

I let out a sigh before stepping out of the way. It's a relief that she didn't actually notice me doing anything out of the ordinary, but that's just like Yuri. It figures that I'd be invisible to her unless I was upsetting her or in the way.

I want someone to care.  
Shut up, it's better this way.  
You've made it through most of today, it's good she didn't notice.  
And why would she care, why should any of them care?  
Yuri is always lost in her dumb pretentious books.  
Sayori is an airhead floating too high to see me all the way down here  
And Monika is always lost in thought over how to 'entertain' or 'expand' the club.  
I'm just not important enough in the first place.  
If I was worth caring about they'd have noticed  
"Oh is Natsuki half starved and hiding bruises again"  
But no.  
Just like every other day, no one notices.  
Shut up.  
Make it through today, maybe there's something to eat at home.  
Maybe Papa's forgotten again and I can just make something to eat and go to bed before anything else happens.

"By the way-" As Yuri pulls out her supplies she turns to me. "I brought my own snacks if you wanted any. I, um, thought you might like something sweet while we share our poems. Since you provided snacks last time for Sayori. I thought that was nice of you."

I blink attempting to remember how I should respond, but she's already sitting down the set and digging through a small lunch box beside her seat. I act casually as I meet her at the table and sit nearby as she pulls out a few treats. Nothing special, just some vending machine fodder and what looks like half a sandwich from her lunch. And an orange juice from the machines, and a small salad from the lunch selection. She still had all that in her box?

This is a bit more than I expected.

"I, eheh, I mean if you're offering, Yuri. I wouldn't mind a treat while we read."

Smooth.  
I think?  
Yuri didn't seem to notice anything strange.  
I don't think I could be more relieved right now.  
Getting through today will be easier than I thought.  
I should thank her, this is too nice.  
Shut up, that will just bring attention to things.  
She's being nice.  
Shut up.  
Thoughtful of her.

"Well, of course. I just, well I wasn't very hungry and I had this on hand. I figured you might like something since you skipped lunch today." Her eyes slowly turned away from me and towards her tea instead. "Err, which I only happened to notice accidentally. I'm sure you had a reason to skip lunch today, but I just thought-"

Yuri reached out and grabbed her pitcher and stood up, "-er..That I'll definitely need water to make tea, what a silly thing to overlook! I'll be right back. Um.. Dig in?" With that, Yuri ran off to the hall.

After taking a quick glance towards the other two girls only to see that Monika and Sayori were deep in conversation right now, I quickly scooped up Yuri's sandwich and took a bite as I reached for her orange juice. In this moment I don't think anything could taste better than this simple turkey on rye.

Before I knew it I'd finished the bulk of Yuri's gift and was in the middle of finishing off the salad before Monika spoke up.

"Alright, everyone! Let's share our poems and get out of here. I'm sorry Sayori and I spent the entire meeting- Wait, Natsuki? Where did Yuri go?"

I blinked and looked to her seat. "I mean, she went to get water for her tea but, that was a while ago I guess." I actually spent the entire club session eating? It doesn't take that long to get water.

"I can go look for her." I offer as I stand up, only for Yuri to come right back in, still holding an empty pitcher.

"I- I'm sorry, I lost track of time and tried to make tea at the end of our club session instead of the beginning, my mistake." She let out as she waved her hand towards Monika and Sayori, dismissing the matter. "Let's go ahead and share, hmm?" She continued, retrieving her poem and beginning to idly clean up the mess I had made as I quizzically looked her way.

"But you-"

"Natsuki! Why don't you share your work with us while Yuri finishes cleaning?" Monika interrupted. I bent my head in an attempt to lock eyes with Yuri and gain her attention but she remained steadfast in her cleaning.

Letting out a sigh I pulled out my bag and begun digging for a poem, any poem.

Should have made one last night.  
I know I have something in here.  
Why didn't I write one during class today?  
I don't think I could have written anything last night.  
It was nothing but pain and fear.  
I'd shake too much to write.  
Probably best I didn't.  
Excuses.  
I should have written during class.  
But everything was moving so quickly.  
I couldn't focus on anything.  
Excuses.  
Thank god, here's an old one I don't think I've shared.

I rush over to Monika and Sayori, whom have finished sharing by now and were simply waiting on me. I took a breath and began faking my way through sharing these poems.

A quick skim through Monika's poem, act like I'm reading deeply into things…

"Very interesting, Monika. As usual, but it's still feels like it's trying too hard. But don't worry, it takes practice to get as good as I am!" That should be convincing enough to get me through this.

Monika gave me a sweet little smile, as always, before telling me about something or another. Every single time we share poems she uses it as an opportunity to lecture me about my writing, so I just turn it around on her. I thought she'd get the message, but she always gets sickenly sweet when I criticize her poems and then she follows up with more lectures!

I didn't bother listening and once she seemed to be done I waved her off and traded our poems back before exchanging with Sayori.

"Oooh! I love this poem! I can just see all the parts in my head as I read it! It's so visual!"

I probably should have re-read the poem, I have no idea what my poem is about.

"Eh, yeah! That's part of what makes my poems so great to begin with! It's all visual so when the deeper meaning finally hits you it hits you hard!" That's right, right? I hope that's right. I try to make my poems say something, so this poem probably fits that model, right?

"Definitely!"

Phew. I'm worrying over nothing, Sayori doesn't usually try to read into my poems. She'd agree with me no matter what. I don't think I've seen her really read a poem more than a handful of times, she just enjoys the excuse to share with the club.

That's sweet, almost cute.  
Shut up.  
Soften up today of all days and who knows if you'll hold it together.

Glancing to where Monika had been I notice that she's sharing with Yuri now. At least she isn't breathing over my shoulder. Glancing through Sayori's poem I see about what I expected. Happy and warm thoughts and a feeling of pushing through some darkness to get to it. It's no secret at this point. Her old poems used to couple happy and sad themes, but ever since she came clean to us and started going to therapy her poems have, admittedly, been more focused on those themes and what they mean to her.

Before I knew it my skimming became a full pass and then a second one. Blinking, I stopped myself. At least zoning out into your friend's poem is a nice thing to do, maybe?

"I like how this poem breaks through the shadows of a storm to show the sunny day that comes 're getting better, Sayori."

I should ask.  
I care.  
But what if I can't handle this right now?  
Selfish.  
Shut up.

"Are you doing okay, lately?" I blurt out. "We don't get to ask you all the time, but we still care about you, have the sessions been going well?" I can't handle heavy talks right now. I feel exhausted, drained, and I don't even know what I'm going home to tonight.

But I care.  
Be strong for them.

Sayori gently traded our poems back and tried to look away, but after taking a breath she looked me in the eyes and spoke her mind.

"Things are hard. Very hard.. But! I've been handling things better every day! I've been taking the therapy to heart, and take time out of my day to focus on me every single day. But yeah.. Things are still hard, and some days are still really really dark. I'm doing okay, don't wor.. I mean, thank you for caring about me. I promise I'd say otherwise if things were too heavy right now. Today was actually pretty good!"

Sayori finally broke eye contact as if she was drawing all her strength from that connection and looked down to her poem with a small giggle.

"Thank you for asking. It's still hard to talk about things but I know I can talk to all of you."

Phew.

"I'm glad things have been easier today. And you better believe we care, you dummy! We've always cared, that isn't about to stop!"

Sayori gave another giggle before rushing over to share with Yuri, leaving me alone with my poem waiting my turn.

I've almost made it through.  
I should be able to just sneak in and go to bed without Papa getting on my case.  
Why was I so worried before?  
The food.  
I was worried I'd have to linger in the open and try to make something to eat.  
That scares me.

It looks like Sayori and Yuri have finished and within moments Sayori's dragging Monika towards the door. It looks like they're out of here, it's just Yuri and I.

If it wasn't for Yuri I'd still have a lot to worry about today.  
I'm so thankful.  
Shut up, you're not through yet.  
Make it through today without making everyone poke into your business.  
Make it through tonight without getting in another fight.  
Hope that tomorrow you find a way to eat.  
Maybe Papa isn't upset anymore.  
Shut up.

Yuri is holding her poem loosely in front of her, but she's not looking my way. I feel my curiosity rising, I don't know why she was away for so long and she didn't even bring water for her tea? But, turning my attention to her poem, I know I shouldn't ask.

I don't need to know what she was up to, just like how she doesn't need to know what I'm going through.

I grab her poem and hand her mine. Let's get this over with. What do I have to pretend to understand with this one?

* * *

Fog

Fog is all I've ever been.  
A mist on the wind; Transparency in flesh.

Flowing through the same halls every day.  
Other faces barely see me; I barely see them.

A burning flame turned my way.  
Fighting, falling, friends.

That burning flame turned my way.  
Sanguine, strong, stubborn.

I envy its warmth.

Flowing through the same halls every day.  
But it's not the same for me; I see it.

Sometimes the flame is warm, I smile.  
Sometimes it is not, I watch.

Fog doesn't approach a cooled flame,  
unless that flame is to be starved by frigid air.

Fog is all I've ever been.  
A hushed sadness in the breeze; A cloud without purpose.

I wish I was a mighty fire.  
Capable of warming even the coolest flames.  
Able to carry her far from anything that would smother her.

* * *

I'm breathing quickly.  
Oh no.  
No.  
She knows.  
She couldn't know.  
No.  
No.  
Don't let her know.  
She's guessing.  
It's okay.  
She doesn't know.  
My hands are shaking.  
She doesn't know anything.  
Idiot.  
Is someone crying?  
I make it so painfully obvious and no one notices.  
This is a coincidence.  
I'm crying.  
She noticed.  
I have to leave.  
She knows.  
Tears are hitting the poem.  
I can't look at her.  
I don't want her to look at me.  
She sees me.  
Please don't look at me.

I shove the paper forward while staring at the ground until she finally grabs it, or did she? I don't care. Once it was gone I turned, grabbed my bag, and starting walking.

I'm crying and I started in front of her.  
I can't believe it, I'm so stupid.  
Just get out of here.  
Did she say something?  
I wasn't listening.  
Footsteps.  
Don't look, it might be her.  
Just go, just get out of here.

I really messed up. The entire day was a blur; I let it show. There's no way in hell I'm letting anyone closer to my mess, especially not any of my friends. I just need to get out of this. Keep walking, stay focused. Before you know it you'll be home in bed waiting on tomorrow.

I was hungry.  
I.. can't just run.  
She helped me.  
The footsteps are getting closer.  
Is she chasing me?  
No, I'm slowing down.  
Why  
Don't drag her into any of this.  
Just..  
Tell her things are fine.  
Not hungry today.  
I was just being polite when she offered.  
She's imagining things.  
Stupid.  
I need to shut up.  
Just say it.

I stopped walking. I don't know when, I thought I was still going.

"Natsuki.." Yuri grabbed my arm but I couldn't look at her.

"You don't need to worry about me. I just wasn't hungry today." My voice is distant, am I being quiet? I'm tired. I feel like I pushed through a week of classes in a single day. My face stings, I must be beet red. Why did she have to notice, I'm so embarrassed and I cried. I just want this to end.

She won't let go. I don't know how long we stood there, me staring towards the exit while she held me firmly in place. I guess she's thinking of what to say. I want to interrupt, to just tell her to stop, but I feel something growing in my throat. I'm going to break if this keeps going, my face is wet but I'm holding so much back.

Time is moving so slowly. Yuri isn't speaking, her hands wrapped around my forearm like a vice. Get this over with, please.

"I..don't know what you're going through. But I've seen some of the results." I am such a failure. I can't let a day go blurry, I should be strong all the time. I should be tougher. Yuri's grip has tightened, please just let me go.

"I." She's thinking again, please stop. "I'm bringing you lunch tomorrow. I want to talk if you'd like to, but if not that's okay. I'm still bringing it." Her grip on my arm tightened before suddenly she let me go. My mind was a mess. Anger, tears, hate. All I could clearly think was to leave as quickly as I possibly could.

How dare she do this to me. I'm Natsuki. I'm strong. I'm tough. I don't need any help and I don't need anyone thinking I'm weak.

I'm weak.  
Shut up.  
I only pretend.

The front door is unlocked so I quietly enter. It looks like Papa left it open because he's definitely not here.

A note sits on the counter saying he'd be out for the night and can't afford to give me lunch money, along with saying I should just make something to pack instead.

Stupid. There's nothing in this house to eat, let alone pack for tomorrow. Anything left in the fridge is growing, the table is cluttered with wrappers from the only food Papa seems to stock, snacks, and not a single one remains. I walk over to get a glass of water before I bury myself in bed for the night and step in a spilled beer he clearly didn't bother to clean up.

I'm crying again. But I shouldn't. This is good. Papa doesn't seem mad anymore, and I'm not hungry.

I fill a glass from the tap and head to my room. I was much more thirsty than I thought and I ended up refilling my glass in the bathroom before finally getting dressed for bed.

This is good. This was a good day.

I rub my shoulder and stretch my back. It shouldn't take long for these bruises to fade, but it's still sore. An entire day pretending like nothing was bothering me only made it worse though. Sitting tense, even if I did phase out the rest of the world. I hope sleep helps. Today was completely.. Good. I made it.

Rolling over I try to forget about tomorrow before it begins. If it wasn't for this empty house I shouldn't have anything else to worry about this week. There's usually only one bad day a week. Usually. I have to worry about food a lot since Papa eats out and rarely remembers me… but I shouldn't have anything other than loud voices to worry about.

I hope Yuri forgets. If she tries to help me… I don't know what to do about that. I don't want her helping me, she'll start asking to know more, and I'm never talking about my weakness. No one should know I'm weak. I'm already a burden here, why should I burden others?

Why can't it be the weekend? We might have food by then, and the weekend is always great. Papa gets drunk and never bothers me at all on the weekend, he's just blacked out for most of it. It's my one bit of freedom. Sometimes he gets us pizza and he never complains because he's too drunk.

During the week he's usually upset. He's always tired from work and doesn't like when I make things harder on him.

I try to avoid him.

I hate being around him during the week. He yells. He points out every way I hold him back. He rants about how his life is worse because he has to care for me. I'm useless, and expensive, and make things worse. He drinks because he can't afford to do things he enjoys because he has to buy things for me. I wonder if he enjoys drinking.

But usually that's all he does during the week... yell. Sometimes he drinks on a weekday. Those are the bad days. He stays responsible, he doesn't drink enough to black out so that he makes it to work. But he gets.. angry. He'll shout and scream and break things, and it usually ends with him throwing me in my room or hitting my arm for talking back.

I'm crying again. Shut up, Natsuki. He doesn't drink twice during the week. This will be easy. The most he does is stay extra mad for a few days and he left a note today, it's probably all over for this week.

I want the weekend. Please let the rest of the week blow by. Please make Yuri forget. Please.

…

I forgot to do my work... I let out a sigh as I crawl out of bed and grab my bag, wiping my face with my sleeve. I can do this. Then I can finally let today end.


	2. Chapter 2

Fog and the Flame - Ch 2

Beeping.  
I'm so tired.

I reach over and disable my alarm before reaching up and stretching. A sharp pain hits me and I cough before realize it's just my bruise. I reach around and attempt to rub it. It definitely feels better than yesterday, but it wasn't ready for that. Whoops.

I glance over to my bag and sigh. I was able to finish my work last night, but it did end up keeping me up later than I'd like. You'd think having all day after the club would be enough time, but when you don't do anything all day in class it tends to pile up against you.

The club.  
Yuri.  
Crap.

Sighing, I climb out of bed. I have to go, if i stay there will be hell to pay. Maybe she's forgotten, or maybe it won't be that bad. Just eating with Yuri and hoping she doesn't claw answers out of me.

Sounds. Great.

My stomach growls, but the pains aren't setting in yet. Maybe it will actually be a good thing. It's just some food with a friend.

Yeah. That's all it is. I don't have to tell her anything. I can do this. And I might not even have to.

Shoving my worries to the side I make my way through my morning routine. Brush my teeth, fix my hair, get dressed in my uniform, grab my bag, check the kitchen, sigh as the same mess and lack of sustenance remains, and finally get out of this shithole.

I'm not feeling the greatest, but my head is a lot less foggy than yesterday at least. By the time I get to my third course my stomach began to have other ideas about my improved focus. The closer it got to lunch the more I began to fidget and stop working. Anxiety welled in my gut and I couldn't help but tune out my last few classes before lunch and just argue inside my head.

Please just forget.  
Please just leave things be.  
I don't care if you remember later, just leave me alone a little longer.  
But I really wouldn't mind a lunch…  
Selfish.  
And she's being ridiculous!  
The pretentious bitch.  
She thinks she knows what's best for me?  
Does she think she can help little, weak Natsuki?  
Fuck off.  
I don't need any help.  
I'm doing just fine.  
I've made it through worse a hundred times over!

I hate this.  
Just leave me alone.  
I'm tough.  
I'm strong enough for this.  
I'm not weak.

Don't let me burden you, please.

There goes the notice for the next class… which is lunch. I'm still not ready. I just have to shut her down if she tries to ask anything. It'll just be a meal together. That's a lot less stressful. Just friends hanging out...despite the fact that we fight more often than we talk...and the fact that until we started fighting we didn't even talk much at all...and the fact that this is the first time we've ever sat together for lunch….

Just completely normal friends hanging out. I don't have to say anything. Just tune it out. Why am I almost scared? I just don't want to talk about it, what's the big deal? It's my life. My choice. My problem.

I grab my bag and head to the cafeteria. I must have thought it a million times but maybe, just maybe she forgot.

I don't see her, so that's a good sign. Thinking for a moment I decided to sit in the back corner near the window. I usually do that when I don't have a lunch because people just assume I'm relaxing or studying; It makes them ignore my troubles and that's all I want. Maybe she'll overlook me, or maybe she is busy somewhere. I… doubt she forgot. Not after how I reacted yesterday, but maybe I've earned another day to myself? Maybe.

I tossed my bag on the table so that no one else thinks twice when they see me.

Natsuki is just very busy right now, better not bother her. Idiots.

Pulling out a few papers from my morning classes I begin idly doing some of the work. I don't have that much to do anyway, so I'm in no hurry. I usually get it done in my study period before the club anyway, so I don't need to work hard. Just play the part so no one bothers me. Maybe not even her.

"Natsuki?"

Great.

"Do you mind if I sit with you?" Yuri asked, hovering over me now.

"So you're committed to this, huh? Poking into my business like you should know? Why? Why are you here, truly?" I'm already done dealing with her. I don't need help, so why is she here trying to? Why does she suddenly want to dig into my private life, what do I owe her? She doesn't need to know, and why should she? It's my problem. I already cause enough trouble without weighing her down too.

Yuri stepped back as I turned to look at her, I know I'm angry, she must know too. It's none of her business and it only serves to ruin her life as much as mine so why won't she just back off?

"I-I brought you lunch is all. Y-you don't have to tell me anything, I don't want to intrude I just wanted to know if anything was wrong…" Her voice trailed off as she spoke and I felt my expression falter. I don't like fighting Yuri. But it's all we ever seem to do without someone to stop us. But this is different, I'm the only one fighting.

Yuri looked away and renewed her tone, "I didn't mean to overstep your boundaries, but I'm leaving the lunch if you won't have me." She held out her lunch box from yesterday and waited on me to grab it.

Now I'm the jerk.  
She just wants to help.  
But I don't need help.  
I'm strong.  
Why should she help me.  
She doesn't owe me.  
My problems are my own, I made things bad…  
I deserve things this way.  
But.

"Wait.."

I'm weak.

"You can… Go ahead and join me, I guess." I let out, moving my mess of papers and glancing to the rest of the table. My plan was working well enough, no one else is here. This lunch period is light on students anyway, and now Yuri and I have a table all to ourselves. Why did it have to be the two of us?

This can be a good thing.  
It won't be.  
It might be.  
I mean it hasn't happened before.  
No one cares.  
It's my problem.  
I made it this way.  
It's my fault.  
So why should anyone care?  
But.  
I want help.  
Please.  
Shut up…

Yuri stood for longer than I'd have liked before sitting beside me. Why did she have to make such a terrible thing worse by making it awkward? Get out of your damn head and act, you don't have to review your entire life story before every word out of your mouth or step that you take. Geeze.

I can't help but sigh at the irony. I get stuck in my head, too. But I don't want to be! She chooses to act like this. And I still act and speak my mind, she's practically a rock! Immobile and silent, unless she's fighting. Which… I guess she only does with me. Why?

Yuri offered me her box and waited almost too eagerly for me to open it. I couldn't help but scoff. Inside was a much more prepared meal than yesterday's. Two sandwiches, a little container of fruits, another salad but this one came from home, some crackers and cheese. Mostly little things aside from the salad and sandwiches, but it was a stuffed box, that's for sure.

"Th-" My voice got caught in my throat.

Idiot.  
Why?

I sighed before trying again, "Thank you, Yuri. I appreciate it."

As I began unpacking the meal and grabbing whatever looked good at the time to begin with, I braced myself for the inevitable.

She did this for a reason, and I hate her for it.

Why does she want to know about my problems?  
Why won't she leave it be?  
Why is she helping me?  
This isn't right.  
Yuri and I only fight.  
We're hardly friends.  
We just go to the same little club, and all we do there is argue.  
What does she get out of giving me free food.

She's not talking at all. I keep eating. If it wasn't for how stressful this was I might be enjoying myself. It's delicious on an empty stomach.

She's bargaining.  
She said it herself, she wants to know about me and my problems.  
She wrote a poem about it.  
Why?  
She only fights with me.  
She doesn't really care.  
So why pretend?

I've finished the sandwiches and most of the snacks and begin to drink the water bottle a bit too eagerly, but I catch myself and slow down. I'm acting ridiculous, like I've never eaten before. It's just… I was prepared for this meal, and all this worrying has burned every ounce of energy I had left.

This is really good.  
I needed this.  
I wonder if I can take some home.  
Stupid.  
Shut up.  
It's all a trick.  
But what does she gain from this?

I felt myself getting angry as I ate. I had been staring intently at my meal and it was beginning to dwindle in number. Yuri hasn't said a single thing, and I haven't looked at her since I started. I sneak a glance her direction, trying not to move my head too much in case she notices and takes it as a chance to pounce.

She's just sitting there. There's a book laying open in front of her and she's just reading.

She's not even eating?  
Why isn't she talking?  
That's the entire purpose for this, why isn't she talking?  
Is she bored?  
Change her mind?  
What is going on?  
Why should I care.  
Wait.  
We fight.  
That's what she gains from this.  
She hates me.  
It's all we do when we're left alone.  
She wants to know my problems so she can feel better about herself.  
She's proving that I'm weak.  
That I'm not tough or strong or remotely as I present myself.  
She wants to gloat about this.  
Selfish bitch.

We're not fighting right now.  
Why isn't she eating?  
Does she actually hate me?

I rubbed my forehead out of confusion. I don't know what's going on. I can't figure out if I should be pissed or thankful. My body can't decide if my hands are shaking from rage or worry. Shit. My hands are shaking.

Grabbing my trash and standing up I cleared my throat to make sure my voice was steady, "You should eat too, I'll throw this out." Thank god the rest of me seems steady. I think my hands are calming down too, it was just a rush is all. Too much thinking too quickly. I'm shaking myself up with this mess.

Breathe.  
It's nothing.  
This was nothing.  
Yuri probably isn't the type to take advantage like that.  
She's a quiet, shy, book-worm at worst.  
We're just different, that's all the fights are.  
This is nothing.  
She's just trying to be nice and that's it.  
Relax.

Whoa, slow down there. I'm almost running to the trash and back. Way to go, making a scene because I'm lost in my head. Shaking my head I threw everything away and began heading back, at a normal pace this time. I feel silly. I just mentally berated Yuri for thinking too much and I did the same.

As I approach my seat I can see that Yuri has finally started eating what I didn't finish. She's closed her book and seemed to be waiting on me, which I guess sounds about right since she's here entirely because of me.

"So… I thought you were making me a lunch, not giving me yours. What, did you forget and come up with this as some last minute fix?" I slide into my seat and glance to the clock, there's still some time, better that I guide our conversation until we part ways until the club.

"Oh.. I didn't really have another container for a second lunch… So I just had a big breakfast and filled my box with as much as I could for you. I could make it through a day without lunch, so.. If you decide you want more of this I really don't mind." Blinking I tried to put her response together with my thoughts.

She was giving her lunch up for me?  
That's too much.  
That's my fault.  
No.  
It's not that.  
She's trying to say she's stronger.

"Hey! I can make it through as many days as I want with or without lunch! If you could do it then so can I, I didn't need your help!" My voice was louder than it should have been. I felt the sweat bead on my forehead as I glanced around the room, a few students were staring, but most didn't seem to notice. I shot as many people as I could a glare which seemed to send the message since they turned back around.

That didn't feel right...  
No, I'm right.  
She's trying to break me down by insulting me.

I turned my attention back to this insidious jerk expecting a disappointed reaction since her little game didn't work out but.

But is she about to cry?  
Oh no.  
Oh no I was wrong.  
I scared her.  
I hurt her.  
What do I do?  
She's your friend you idiot.  
You fucking idiot.

I grabbed her hand and tried to help her out of her seat. Rushing out of the cafeteria I quickly grabbed some napkins and handed them over as I lead Yuri to a nearby restroom.

You idiot.  
You fucking moron.  
Some friend you are.  
You overreacted, big time.  
You spent all this time thinking the worst.  
You repeated again and again that she isn't really trying to help you.  
What now?  
What is she 'playing' at now, huh?!  
She was helping and I yelled at her.  
She was helping and I doubted her.  
She doesn't know.  
She doesn't have any idea how things are for me.  
She wanted to understand.  
I just didn't want to burden her.  
Bullshit.  
I doubted her, how could she be burdened if she wasn't going to actually help me?  
What kind of stupid thinking is that?  
I'm an idiot.  
It's one or the other, and I chose both.  
I wanted every reason to push her away.  
Well I did that just fine.

The room seems empty. Leading Yuri to the sink I let her be while I double check the stalls. No legs, no legs, no legs.

"We're alone, no one's here and I don't think anyone saw you. I think they were busy looking at me anyway." I say as I come up to my betrayed friend. I have no idea if anyone saw, but I think that would help me if I was in this situation. She's staring into the mirror. I feel terrible. She looks miserable and it hurts to look at her like this.

"Are you okay? It was just…" I can't explain. "I overreacted, is all." If she didn't hate me before she will now, and if she won't now, she would if I told her I've only doubted her this entire time. Shaking my head I back away and lean against the wall by the entrance so I can keep anyone from interrupting.

Yuri wiped away her tears and splashed some water on her face for a moment. She said nothing, and merely straightened her uniform. Her hands are shaking and she keeps tugging at her sleeves like her whole outfit might start riding up.

I fucked up.  
I think I fucked up.  
I don't think she wanted to use this against me.  
She's not saying anything.  
I have to say something.

"I'm sorry."

I was shaken from my thoughts. "What?" did she just apologize to me? But… It was me. I did this.

"I shouldn't have put you on the spot like this, or like yesterday. It's none of my business… I'm just worried about you. I… just wanted to help. But instead I pushed you over the edge. I'm sorry."

What?  
Why?  
WHAT?

"You are apologizing to-" I held myself back so I don't start yelling again. "You're apologizing to me? I just made you cry! You didn't even talk for the most part! I just spent all day doubting you! I thought of how I could get away from you! I asked myself again and again why you would invite my problems into your life! I was thinking the worst about you! I don't want to burden you and you want to push into this mess?" I... just said too much.

I feel my whole body start shaking. I can't focus on anything outside of a deep regret for what I just did.

YOU.  
IDIOT.

"I didn't mean any of that. I have to go." is all I said before I ran, grabbed my bag and assignments from the cafeteria, and started walking.

Before I knew it I was standing outside my next class waiting on the bell. My eyes were glued on a locker across the hall. It meant nothing, but if I look around I might see something I didn't want to.

What the fuck.  
What the fuck.  
What the fuck.  
I yelled at Yuri, made her cry, and ran away from her right after.  
I told her I thought she was terrible.  
I told her too much about myself.  
She was supposed to forget.  
Or at least end lunch thinking nothing was wrong.  
And I fucking spotlighted that I'm not okay.

And she has no reason to want to help anyway now.  
Or ever actually be friends.

It was just another fight.  
We have those from time to time.  
And now she's got her nose out of my business.  
So…  
It's a good thing.

The bell chimes and I wait for some classmates to show up before I file in. I don't remember the rest of the day until it was time for the club. I just remember feeling terrible. I didn't believe my own lies but I kept repeating them. It wasn't a good thing. This wasn't okay. But I kept saying it was.

I sit at an empty chair in the clubroom and wait. I don't like waiting, but here's two days in a row where I'm the first to arrive. Some time passes before Monika and Sayori show up, clearly chatting in the halls on their way here. I try to throw a smug grin their way and I think it lands.

The two of them give me a wave and share a few words before moving into the back and continuing their conversation from before. I'm not bothered. Usually I spend the bulk of our time just reading manga anyway, but I don't feel much like doing that now. As I pretend to sort through my already finished assignments I keep stealing a glance to the door. Yuri isn't here yet. I felt my already trashed spirits fall to the floor. I scared her off from the literature club, too.

"Monika? Have you seen Yuri today?" I feign ignorance.

"Oh, actually I haven't, but she did text me before the club saying that she wasn't feeling well and was going to head home early today. I'm sorry, I meant to explain earlier but Sayori and I got all tied up in our conversation." Sayori rubbed the back of her neck as if she was at fault for something, I just shook my head.

"You two are fine, but uh, I think maybe I'm coming down with something too, now that you mention it. Do either of you mind if I take off for today?" Monika eyed me up and down before shrugging.

"I mean, we've all done pretty well for attendance so far. If two of us are dropping off then I guess Sayori and I can just close things out ourselves. We'll have a president to vice president meeting about future activities, it'll be fun." Sayori giggled. I'm not convinced it'd be too professional from what I've been hearing. Ever since Sayori came clean to us about her depression, Monika has been stuck to her. If ever Sayori was to have a bad day, Monika would be there to brighten it anyway she could. She really didn't like seeing any of us upset, and she took it very seriously when Sayori shared with us.

That's sweet.  
I want that.  
Shut up.  
You're not weak. You don't need that.

Neither is Sayori, though.

I turn towards my work and scowl at my thoughts, "So I can go?"

"It isn't like it's mandatory, Natsuki. And if you're not feeling well we wouldn't hold it against you. We'll see you next Monday!"

I forgot it was Friday. Well, I've been a bit distracted.

"I'll be here, have fun this weekend, girls!" I tossed out as I grabbed my things and made my way out the door. The second my foot passed the door frame I heard Sayori excitedly offer to have Monika over for a movie night which just made me smile.

That really is sweet.  
They work so well together.  
I'm glad they get along.  
It's just me ruining anything in the club.  
What am I doing?

Pulling out my phone I send a text to Yuri.

"Do you mind if I come over? I'll talk if you really want me to."

What am I doing?

My phone buzzes as I reach the exit.

"If you're sure, I'll listen."

What am I doing?


	3. Chapter 3

Fog and the Flame - Ch 3

* * *

This chapter actually gave me more gripes about formatting than the previous, which were already shouting at me. It turns out attempting to have a uniform format for a fic across multiple sites is extremely difficult, who could have guessed.

Thank you to all who have expressed interest in my piece. I know it's been a slow ride thus far but this is simply how my story is being told. I want things to happen as they would without too much forced pushes from myself.

I hope you enjoy!

* * *

My body is moving without me, and I can't decide if I'm thankful or cursing it. I'm on my way to Yuri's place but I have no idea if I can do this. My nerves are shot already.

Why am I doing this?  
It's a bad idea.  
I don't owe her.  
But.

I think she's being genuine, or at least she seems genuine. It.. might be good to get some things off my chest. But all I want to do is run away. To just go home and enjoy the weekend.

I can do this; I'm tough!

Redoubling my pace, I glared forward as I made my way to Yuri's. Nothing is going to stop me. I have to make things okay between us, and besides, this'll prove I'm fine! I'm strong, I can go through anything and make it through just fine! She'll see!

That'll shut her up.  
And we can maybe be friends again!  
Ha!  
It's not that bad.  
Just tell her…  
Tell her everything.  
Show her how weak you are…  
How much of a burden you've always been…

"SHUT. UP." I scowled at the ground ahead of me.

I've got this!  
She's my friend!  
I'm sure she won't think differently of me...  
Right?  
She'll think I'm even tougher!  
She'll wonder why I make things harder.  
Shit.

I'm here. No doubt Yuri's waiting right inside. She's probably seen me from the window, but I don't see her in any of them. Maybe she hasn't. I could probably walk right by… But I told her I'm coming. I'll look even weaker if I can't do what I said I'd do. Like I got scared and ran off from the big bad Yuri.

Which is stronger, holding things inside or letting things out? I don't know if this is a good idea.

Collect yourself.  
Deep breath.  
Confident, powerful.  
I don't have to tell her EVERYTHING.  
Don't tell her too much.  
You never said you would.  
Just a little bit.  
Just a white lie.  
"We can't really afford food all that often is all"  
She'll buy that.  
She has no reason to doubt it.  
Just go in there, stay steady.  
Tell her the thinnest layer of truth.  
Get out.  
You DO owe her.  
You made her cry.  
She just wants to help, she doesn't know what she's dealing with.  
So just.  
A little bit.  
What's the worst that can happen?  
She tries to help me with lunch?

I don't want that.  
But… that's, not so bad.  
Yeah.  
YEAH!  
This isn't so bad!  
Just a little bit of the story!  
She doesn't need to know anything else.  
She's happy, I get to keep my failures to myself.  
Win-win.  
Alright!

I let out a sigh and grinned toward the closed door before me.

I know what I'm doing.  
I got this!

Sufficiently pumped up I knock on the door. This is new, but that doesn't mean I have to be scared! Just push right through, it'll be over before you know it and Yuri will be none the wiser! Hell yeah!

What if she uses it against me.  
She wouldn't.  
And it's not that much to use anyway, if i play this right.

Only a moment passed before the door opened revealing Yuri. She doesn't look too great. She refuses to look directly at me and it looks like she's cried again since getting home.

Why?  
Was I that bad to her?

"H-hey! I'm here, if you wanted to, you know, eh.. Talk. Or just hang out!" I clear my throat, so much for confidence. Keep it together. You're not letting it all out, just a little bit.

"I mean, talk, I meant talk. Not that I don't want to hang out, just. That's what I came for, right?" I take a breath, she still isn't looking at me.

Why did I hurt her for trying to help?  
Now she probably doesn't even want to listen anyway.  
Who would want to.  
I don't need it anyway.  
But… she wanted to before.  
I don't like this silence.

"You don't… If you don't want to you don't have to." Yuri shifted slightly out of my way, "But I-I'm still willing if you want to talk, I just…"

Trailing off, Yuri's voice died out and she simply stood there holding the door for me. I attempted to cock my head to look her in the eye but she refused to look my way.

I can feel my confidence failing me now. I wasn't expecting Yuri to dissuade me like this. I expected this to be hard, but I didn't expect to be the one pushing things along.

"I…" I'm lost. Just open your mouth and get in there.

"You're right. I don't want to talk about my problems." Too honest. "But I… appreciate what you were trying to do." I feel a weight on my chest. I wasn't fully prepared to be honest, but something about this has me worried about Yuri. Maybe she needs to talk just like how she thinks I need to. Maybe I just hurt her more than I thought, whatever it is I don't like it. I don't like seeing her like this.

"Then why did you come?" Yuri glanced my way for the first time since I got here.

"Well…" I came to put an end to this, but I think I just ruined that with my big mouth. "How about I come in and we just talk about… whatever. And just see where that leads us? I… feel like I owe you something. For the lunch I mean… and yesterday, too…" I blink and realize I'm the one looking away now and I try to fix things by looking Yuri in the eyes and faking an enthusiastic nod. I don't think she bought it, but it did seem to put her at ease.

God I can hear my heart so loudly.  
I'm so nervous.  
She can probably hear it.  
I don't know how to deal with this crap.  
I don't know what the right thing to say is.  
I don't know how to accept help, or give it.  
Breath.

"You really don't owe me anything! You're my friend and I don't want to see you going without!" Yuri sounded awfully stern on this and it shocked me for a moment. She seemed to catch wind of this and stepped back as if she didn't realize she would have such an enthused response either, "Oh… But just talking sounds nice, if you would like to." Yuri gestured towards the living room and I finally stepped inside.

None of the lights are on, save for a few candles tabled near a reading chair. Not to say the house was particularly dark since the afternoon sunlight was still pouring through the various windows. The house just felt… still.

"It doesn't look like anyone else is home?" I say, half asking as I sat on the couch across from the reading chair.

"Well that's to be expected." Yuri passed me and took her place in said chair. "I live alone, save for when my parents decide to visit."

"Oh." I guess I never knew that. I've never really had a reason to go to Yuri's house before despite her living so nearby. Usually whenever the club decides to hang out either Sayori or Monika offer their homes for us to lounge around. I just assumed she lived with her parents or someone since sometimes she needs to go home to make dinner. I guess I just assumed.

I don't know what to say.  
I feel useless.  
This was my idea, wasn't it?  
Well, my second idea.  
An idea I didn't actually come up with so much as blurt out.

I squeezed and fidgeted my hands in my lap trying to think of something to say, but now all I can think of is all the things I don't want to say.

Just… say something.

"So… About earlier. I… didn't mean to make you cry. And then you apologized to me instead of the other way around. I just, really wanted to actually say it. So. I'm sorry. For the, uh, yelling. And everything I said after. Just. There, I said it." I can't look at her.

That was stupid.  
I did want to apologize though…  
But think before you speak, idiot.  
This entire conversation is on edge because of me.

Yuri just sat quietly, I don't know what she was doing because I couldn't work up the courage to look at her now, but she wasn't talking yet.

"Yuri?" I slowly turned to face her and saw she was staring into the candle's flame. She looked so sad and lost in thought. I decided not to break her out of it just yet, she likes to think before she talks. If she's thinking of a response then I probably deserve her worst. Instead of interrupting I tried to read her expression.

What had she been doing before I got here?  
I assume she was reading.  
That's all she ever does.  
Who cares.  
Wait...  
She's been crying since she got home.  
Definitely.  
I can still see it in the candlelight.  
Puffy, red.  
Her eyes look sore like she was rubbing them, too.  
She wasn't reading then.  
I really fucked up.  
Maybe she'll feel a little better since I apologized.

"You don't need to apologize. I made you do it. I made all of this happen between us. It's not your fault." She sighed and turned my way. "I put you on the spot yesterday. I saw you at lunch, but that wasn't the first time I'd noticed. I've seen you miss lunch many times. I've seen you go quiet or get a distant look in your eyes. I've seen you flinch for no reason, or from sore wounds I couldn't see. I've sat and watched. I've listened to you're hasty excuses to leave. I've heard you're half-hearted words when you're caught spacing out. I've...I don't know exactly what's going on. But I'm not blind, Natsuki. I've tried to put two and two together. I just wanted to hear it from you. I wanted to know that I wasn't imagining the worst for no reason. And I talked myself into springing into action." Yuri clenched her fists in her own lap as she continued. "When I saw you not eating yesterday I felt like I had to say something, but I just couldn't. I felt worthless because I was certain something was wrong and I couldn't do anything about it."

Tears are running down Yuri's cheeks, she's staring toward the floor.

"That's when I decided I'd try. I saved my lunch and decided I'd talk to you. But...I lost my nerve. It was so hard in front of the others, I couldn't just ask you… So I found an excuse to leave and think of another way." Her voice is wavering. I feel like it's gotten hot in here, and I can't think of anything to say. I just want to stop her.

"I… I wrote that poem just for you. But you know that… Only you saw that poem. I carried a pen and paper as I left for water and wrote it in the hall. I leaned my forehead on the cold lockers and kept telling myself to think. I had no idea how to tell you I knew something was wrong without scaring you off. I… still don't, obviously."

She did that last minute?  
It was good…  
Thank god the others didn't see it.  
She didn't scare me off…  
But...I ran… she did...

"The poem was too forward… too quick. I…"

"I liked your poem." I said that?

Yuri blinked as more tears fell. "I followed you and forced you to have lunch with me!"

"You offered to listen. You wanted to help me." I'm crying too.

Yuri began speaking more quickly, she's not thinking anymore, she's just letting everything out, "Now you're here to talk all because you're feeling guilty because I cried at school. You're not here because you want to talk, you're here because I'm guilting you."

"No. I... want to talk." Shut up.

Her shoulders are shaking. "No you don't! All I've done is push and push you, you have no reason to open up to me! We're not even good friends…"

"I want to… I just…" Shut up.

"You don't… and you shouldn't. I wanted to be an ear for you. The one person you could trust with knowing if anything was wrong. But you have no reason to trust me. Maybe someone else, but not me."

"I...Yeah. I don't trust you. I don't trust anyone. Not with my secrets. But...I want to trust you. You tried, no one else has, but uh. I don't yet. Or I didn't? I.. I don't know right now…" I'm… that's the truth. I think I'm in shock. I'm not used to seeing Yuri like this. I'm shocked. I didn't mean to say that, but I meant what I said. Is she okay?

The room fell silent as we both stopped talking. Or as silent as it can be when both of us were sobbing, overwhelmed and breaking.

I don't like this.  
I need to leave.  
I just can't stand seeing her like this.  
I hear her and it makes me want to explain.  
I keep saying things.  
She's being too hard on herself.  
She's blaming herself for who knows what.  
She's wrong.  
It's me.. I just..

Yuri broke the silence, "I'm not a good friend. I just wanted to be some hero. It was purely selfish. I just… I just wanted to feel like a good person. I was using you as a prop to feel better about myself. Or trying to."

My chest hurts. "Yuri, I don't believe you."

She's beating herself up for trying to help.  
I don't know why she wanted to help me.  
But I don't… think she wanted to just use me.  
This is familiar…  
I know how she's thinking right now...

"You're wrong. Just." I don't believe she did this selfishly. I doubted her but… I never really believed it. We were friends. How do I snap her out of this… self loathing mess she's digging right now?

"Yuri, why did you want to help me? Truly. Not what you just said. Not the bullshit you're thinking right now. Why did you want to help me? Just say it."

Yuri had her eyes locked with mine. She was quiet for a moment before shaking her head and looking away. "...When I look at you I see that you're hurting. That you pretend. And it hurts me. It hurts to know you're faking everything to protect us from knowing when we are supposed to be your friends." Her voice keeps breaking, she's crying harder now. "I care about you. I don't want to see you hurting or having to pretend. We fight, but… I still like you, and when I started noticing I couldn't stop..."

Yuri turned back to face me, "It's all I see when I look at you and I just want things to be better. You don't deserve to starve to death in front of everyone. You don't deserve whatever this is, the bruises you hide, the hazy days- you deserve better than that. I know what it's like to hide, and you shouldn't have to."

Her voice cracked before she finished, "I'm scared. I'm scared because I don't know what you're going through and I don't know how to find out without chasing you away. I wanted to help because I can't unsee it in your face."

What am I doing?

"Then there you have it. You're not being selfish at all." I'm surprised that came out at all, I feel dehydrated and out of it. I guess it's just all gone.

"I… Won't be able to do this the way you want until I trust you and… I haven't really learned how to do that in a long while. But. I want to, I want to trust you. I believe you. I just need to…"

Stupid.  
Stupid.  
Stupid.

"Grrrr… I'm going to try. But I'm still not comfortable talking about myself like this. Not yet. I can't magically make that go away either, but… on some level I trust you. I believe you. I… want your help if it means I can talk to someone or get food when there's nothing at home. I… want that. So, does the offer still stand?"

Yuri gave me a soft smile and nodded her head. She looks like hell; Exhausted, wet sleeves from her crying, and her hair is sticking to her cheeks in places from the tears. "I understand. I want to help anyway I can, so I'm willing to wait for you to feel comfortable talking about things."

Yuri's eyes lit up as she seemed to realize something as she rushed off and came back with some tissues.

That could have helped earlier.

"So… are you going to be okay going home tonight or…? Because you can stay if you need to." She really has assumed a lot about this, and that doesn't make me comfortable.

"No. I'll head home, it'll be fine… Rain check?"

Yuri gave me a concerned smile with her still exhausted gaze, "I'll trust you, so stay safe. The offer stands, if you ever need it."

I couldn't do that to her.  
And I don't need it now.  
I just need to go home and go to bed.  
Maybe Papa got pizza to start the weekend again?

After asking to use her restroom to wash my face, I gathered my things to go home.

Yuri opened the door for me and as I began to walk by she stopped me, leaned down and gave me a deep hug. Surprised I struggled for only a moment before grabbing hold and accepting it.

"Thank you for trusting me" I only barely heard her whisper as she held me there.

I couldn't help but let out a small laugh. After all of this she's still being so nice. She is so warm, and I am so very tired, that I could fall asleep like this. I shook my head and let go.

"I'll see you later, eh, thank you. For all of this." Throwing out a mostly genuine grin I finally left for home.

What was that about?  
That was really nice...  
I don't really get a lot of that affection junk.  
I might have messed today up pretty badly.  
But.  
Maybe that isn't a bad thing.  
Now I can talk with Yuri, if I want.  
It doesn't sound too bad.  
Spending time with Yuri could be relaxing.  
This might be okay.

I have never been this exhausted before, holy shit.  
I can't wait to get to bed.  
I almost fell asleep just then.  
It was comforting and comfortable.

I can feel myself smiling as I walk home.

Oh, shut up.


	4. Chapter 4

Fog and the Flame - Ch 4

Beeping  
Beeping  
Beeping  
FINE.

I don't want to get up, I just want a little more rest. Stupid school.

Reaching over I press the snooze button and lay back before the realization hit.

That wasn't my alarm.  
It's darker than usual.

I glance to the digital clock to see that it's still half an hour before my alarm? That was my phone...

Who is blowing up my phone this early in the morning?

With a sigh, I reach out and grab my cell off the charger. Momentarily closing my eyes to the assaulting light, I try to see what's going on.

Five new texts?  
All from Yuri.  
I am so giving her a piece of my mind for this.

I tap on the new notifications and see what was oh so important that she woke me up.

Good morning!-  
Do you want me to bring you lunch today?-  
If you're okay with me eating with you again that is→  
Oh no it's so early I forgot to ask when you get up→  
I'm sorry just tell me when you get up→

I took a deep breath. Why on Earth does she get up so early? I don't feel upset anymore though, if that's all she wanted to say. I let my phone fall onto my chest as I rubbed my eyes.

I guess I'll get up.  
That's nice of her.  
But she didn't have to wake me up for it.

Letting out a yawn, I picked my phone up to reply.

Yeah I would like that→  
Don't worry I think I'm up now→

I glanced around my dark room trying to figure out what I should do for my unnecessarily early morning, but I've got nothing. I guess I could try and make some breakfast since Papa finally got some groceries over the weekend, but I don't really have an appetite right now. My phone begs for my attention again.

I'm sorry!-  
I didn't mean to wake you up→

It's fine, it's fine→  
Why are you up so early anyway?-

I didn't sleep too well, it's nothing→  
I was making some breakfast if you wanted to swing by?-  
Since I woke you up and everything→

I couldn't help but shake my head. Is she really trying to make up for something so small? With a stretch I made up my mind, I might not be all too hungry but it's closer to school from Yuri's place anyway and I don't really have anything to distract me until my usual time to leave anyway.

Sure, I'll swing by in just a moment→

Pulling my blanket off and going through the motions to get dressed for class I begin to think of these past couple days. Home-wise it's been fine, great even. Papa's been "happily" wasted, ordering us pizza every night, watching old movies, laughing and attempting to explain what he finds funny- It's been the usual for a weekend. He even went and loaded up on snacks with that grocery trip so this week wouldn't be too bad.

What's been a little off though was myself. Or just my thoughts. It's my one time to relax and I did that, sure, but I ended up spending most of the weekend just thinking.

Sometimes I'd wonder if this was a good idea.

If Yuri still actually wanted to help.

Why she cares so much if it's not affecting her at all.

What she assumes…

How obvious I've always been.

Why Yuri wasn't pushing to know more now.

She didn't try to message me once all weekend.

...I've also been thinking about that hug a few times because it really calmed me down after that...episode.

I don't really get close with anyone. Sometimes Sayori will sneak up on me with a hug, but it's usually when she's trying to be sly and get something from me. I don't 'invite' them. So that was actually kind of nice. Even if it was also sprung on me just like Sayori's. I think it was different because we were both so exhausted.

It was warm.  
I felt calm.  
That was nice.  
Different.  
No it wasn't.

I don't know what I'm thinking, screw it. I'm all set to go as is, so I grab my bag and head out for Yuri's place. It's going to be hard to share my secrets with her, but I am thankful for the opportunity. And it's been nice to not wonder about my friendship with her. With all the fighting, and how different we are... It's nice to have this excuse to get closer with her seeing as everything else about our relationship has just pushed us apart.

Oh shut up and stop dwelling on that.  
She's your friend, big deal.  
Of course she'd care enough for this.  
Probably.  
Definitely, with the way she cried  
And her words...  
And that hug...  
She cares.  
I guess the fighting wasn't that big a deal.  
I hope I don't drag her down somehow.  
With how pitiful I am.  
God I suck.  
Shut up already.

I'm getting closer to her house by this point, and here I am, starting to get upset at how worthless I am for burdening my friend.

Yuri cares.  
Of course she does.  
I said I'd trust her.  
So just do it.  
If she wants to know then it's not burdening her.  
Right?  
She's still having to deal with me...  
Let's just see what happens  
Stop worrying.  
And stop making things worse by getting upset at yourself.  
She invited this.  
You're not going to drag her down.  
Yes I am.  
Shut up.

It's not working; I'm at Yuri's door now and I'm just mad at myself. I shouldn't put her in this mess, I shouldn't tell her anything. It's for her own good.

I told her I trust her.  
I… do.  
I have to tell her.  
But not now.

I sighed as I knock on the door. This isn't even some big meetup, but I've struggled to get this agreement out of my head all weekend and now I've agreed, yet again, to come right to her.

Trust her, and trust that you aren't burdening her.  
That wasn't part of the deal.  
I wish it was.

Yuri quickly opened the door and gave me a smile as she welcomed me in. Sitting on the same table between the couch and reading chair was a plate with jellied-toast, eggs, and a glass of orange juice.

"That's… way too much, I'm not even really hungry, you didn't have to do that!" I let out as I sat at the prepared breakfast and looked my friend's way.

Yuri's smile returned as she turned slightly away and spoke, "Well, I wasn't sure if you had breakfast so I thought I'd make you something. It's not a lot anyway since I only had eggs and bread…"

I felt my tension from the walk soften. I had been getting a little worked up thinking of all of this, but slowing down and just thinking of how nice she's being…

Grabbing the fork I began to dig in, dipping toast in yolk and getting my fill. It turns out I might have been a little hungry, I guess I just avoid breakfast often enough that I don't feel it usually.

Yuri took a seat beside me and leaned back to rest her head, contrary to my position huddled over the table shoveling egg in my mouth.

This is nice of her.  
Just breakfast hanging out with Yuri.  
I don't mind this.  
It'd be nice from time to time.  
I wonder if she'd mind?  
That's a little selfish...

After downing the glass of orange juice I turned Yuri's way, "Thank you!" I exclaimed having finished things off.

To my surprise she didn't seem to react. I immediately felt off, that was a touch enthusiastic, I'm not sure why I reacted that way, and why isn't she saying anything?

Yuri's laying her head back and staring at the ceiling, or she would be if her eyes were open. Wait. She's asleep. What the hell? I reached over to shake her shoulder but she just rolled herself over into my side, pinning my arm to the couch as she lay half on top of me.

Wait-  
I can't, how did she, should I?

Blinking, I don't know what to do, I should just wake her up right? What time is it? Wait, who cares what time it is, she's laying on me!

She's warm.  
NOPE.

"aaaAA Yuri! You're gonna need to get up now!" I loudly spoke, I could feel myself shaking slightly from my nerves.

Nope  
Nope Nope  
NOoooope.

Startled, Yuri bounced up in her seat and turned to me, "I'm so sorry! Are we late? What happened? I'm sorry!"

I could feel the heat coming from my face, I was flustered and I feel so dumb for drawing attention to this. "Oh, um, it's nothing. You fell asleep and I thought maybe we'd be late.." I cleared my throat and looked away.

That was nice.  
SHUT THE HELL UP.  
That is your friend and you are being weird.  
Gross.  
She fell right on me.  
Her hair was soft  
SHUT. UP.  
...smelled nice.  
FRIEND.  
FRIEND.  
When's the last damn time you've done this anyway?  
Thought you were done with this.  
Guess not…  
Shit.

"Are you okay, Natsuki? You look nervous, are you... shaking?"

"It's nothing!" I shout more than a little louder than I meant to. "I just, it's nothing. What time is it?" I quickly pulled out my phone to check, "We've gotta go!" I said, grabbing my dishes and rushing towards the door.

"The kitchen, Natsuki!" Yuri called from the couch as I slowly turned and trudged over to the sink to drop off the dishes.

I look like an idiot.

Turning back I see that Yuri has grabbed her bag as well and is waiting to lock the door after me and I can't help but feel flustered again.

Idiot.  
Just take a breath.  
It's Yuri, you're being ridiculous.  
What the fuck is wrong with you?

Doing just that we began our walk to school. Yuri didn't seem too talkative, but I suppose that's normal for her. She kept up with my pace when I tried to speed right away from this little event and now we're just walking side by side. It won't take long to get there, but that can't come soon enough. She doesn't even know what happened but I am freaking out.

Am I being rude?  
Why did she fall asleep?  
She didn't do anything wrong.  
I just freaked out because…  
Oh crap.

The hug started all of this, or I think it did? It was so warm and safe… It was a surprise, but it was so easy to fall into...

And I twisted that into some silly crush.  
Idiot.  
It was literally nothing!  
She was being nice.  
It… was really nice for me though.  
I don't know.  
It's just a stupid crush.  
Picked a great time to have one.  
Damn it.

I raised my gaze from the ground in front of me to chance a look at Yuri. My face has to be red based on the heat I feel on my collar from my thoughts. She doesn't seem to have noticed anything. I guess she doesn't have any reason to suspect anything, she doesn't even know she fell asleep on top of me.

"Uh… So… tired? I didn't expect you to pass out when you invited me over."

"Oh, heh… Yeah. I… didn't really sleep last night is all." Yuri gave me a sheepish look as she admitted.

"What? You didn't sleep at all? Why?" Phew, I can feel my blush fading as some conversation distracts me.

Quickly looking back ahead of her Yuri quietly dismisses my questions, "It-it's nothing. Just wasn't tired last night is all."

"Yuri, you fell asleep moments after I got there. That's bull and you know it."

"I don't want to talk about it." Yuri's eyes are locked forward towards the schoolhouse we're closing in on.

I feel like I've hit a wall. I can't think of a way to press the question, but now I'm curious and worried…. Gah, why am I so bad at talking things out. I can't think of anything to say… But, if she's giving me space to feel comfortable enough to talk, I can maybe do the same for her?

But I agreed to talk…  
So there's nothing to make her ever tell me what's going on.  
It's probably nothing…  
She'd say it was nothing if it was.

"You don't have to tell me, but.." We're coming up on the door and I desperately want to make this equal, but is that fair? Does she have to trust me and tell me if I'm telling her my secrets? No. "I'm willing to listen if you want to, someday, you know. You don't have to just because I'm telling you, er, my 'stuff'. But if you decide you want to I'll listen, we're friends, and I might." Don't say it. "Worry." Laying it on thick. Great job. "Anyways, I'll see you at lunch! Try to stay awake until then, dummy!" I called back as I began to rush through the halls toward my first class.

Smooth.  
That'll definitely convince her to talk.  
Lightly guilt the hell out of her and run away so she doesn't know if you care or not.  
Great thinking.  
Idiot.

Well, it's the start of another week and I've already filled my head with worries and thoughts to distract myself from my work. I guess it's not so bad though, nothing 'bad' is happening. Just. Let's make it to lunch.

To my surprise I found it easier than most days to focus on my work, which I was thankful for. Maybe it was the breakfast, or I just fell into the groove of things. Either way my classes flew by without my head falling behind the breakneck speed of things. It's time for lunch and I'm forced to confront the mixed messages I sent this morning with Yuri, so that's… great.

"Glad to see you made it this far, eh, Yuri?" I said as I sat next to her in the same spot we used last time. She has her book laying open in front of her while she rests her head against her crossed arms before it. It can't be easy to read like that. Next to her, in my newly claimed seat, was an open lunchbox waiting just for me.

Wait.  
Don't tell me.  
No response?  
'Staring' intently at her book?  
Her eyes are closed aren't they.  
Yep.  
She's sleeping again.

Well… That's, sort of a relief? I mean, I don't have to explain myself just yet. But I was kind of worked up to get that over with, to be honest.

I begin to dig through the lunchbox and settle on eating the sandwich she'd prepared, all the while stealing glances over at Yuri. She's facing away from me now, having budged in her sleep, so all I can really see is that wave of purple hair cascading onto and falling off the table.

She's pretty…  
I hope she gets some rest before class…

I try to focus on my meal to stop any silly thoughts from starting. I guess I'm accepting it at this point. I've had crushes before on girls, it's just another. I hate how it's on Yuri of all people. It's easier when it's someone I can avoid and never really get close to in the first place. Yuri's my friend as is, so that already sucks, but we go to the club on top of that, and now I'm supposedly sharing my life story with her which means I see her a lot more than usual.

This sucks. I know it's worthless. None of my crushes ever lead anywhere good. Either they turn me down, or start rumors about me that I have to put an end to because it's 'so funny' that I'm gay. Either way it puts my crush and I far apart after I share, which is always fun. Heh. At least Papa was so drunk when I first told him that he decided he couldn't care less about my preferences. He has plenty to complain about when it comes to my existence, I guess he just figured he had enough and didn't need anything else to hold against me. I guess. Or he just forgot after I told him. He doesn't seem to care much either way.

The lunch period is moving along smoothly, Yuri's gifted lunch is nearly gone, and the poor girl hasn't stirred at all. I wanted to share the lunch today because I still don't feel comfortable with her giving it up for me, but I guess it's okay if she's busy sleeping. I've never seen her do this before, but… I guess it's true I don't usually keep an eye out for this sort of thing. She could walk through every other day without sleep and I'd probably never notice since we rarely talk.

Some friend I am.

Lunch is ending, I've cleaned up my mess and Yuri is still out cold in the seat next to mine. I've just been staring at her, which isn't a good idea. But I can't get myself to disturb her just yet. She's adjusted herself and is facing me now, and I can't help but hold my chin in my hand as I lean on the table and study her face.

God, just stop it.  
If someone sees me being all weird they'll start more rumors.  
No, it looks like we're talking.  
Still means rumors.  
I never really looked this closely at her before…  
Usually we're just trading poems and the occasional glance across the club room.  
Or she's sitting off to the side reading to herself during a sleepover at Sayori's.  
Or she's mad because we're fighting…  
But this is different.  
She's so content like this.  
Everything about her looks softer.  
It's so cute, how her hair is falling over her face.  
She's completely out of it.  
She's so pretty, just breathing softly.  
Pretty lips…  
Stop fawning over your friend.  
I hope she makes it through the rest of the day… there's still a bit to go.  
I should wake her, it's about time.

Placing my hand on Yuri's shoulder I try to gently bring her back to the waking world, "Yuri? Lunch is almost over." It doesn't take much to get her moving again.

Blinking Yuri quickly became embarrassed by her predicament as she reached up and wiped at her mouth and attempted to straighten her hair. Had she been drooling? I think I would have noticed if so...

"Oh dear, I don't know how I let that happen. I just opened my book to read while I waited and before I knew it…"

"It's fine, you didn't miss anything. Lunch is ending though, so it's time to get back up and hit the books again." I offer, trying to reassure her as she fidgeted about trying to straighten up her appearance despite not looking disheveled in the slightest. The only thing that shows any wear on her right now are those purple eyes of hers. That sleepless night is painted under those eyes if you know to look for it, poor girl.

Yuri takes a breath now that her self-assessment seems to have concluded and throws me a smile, "Did you enjoy your lunch?"

"I wasn't extremely focused on it now that I think about it, but, uh, yeah. Thank you. Since you went out of your way and everything." I guess I had other things on my mind.

"You're always very welcome, Natsuki. I'm happy to help you with anything."

Too nice…  
Shut up.

"Well… I uh… We didn't get to talk today, not that I really want to during lunch but… I wanted to remind you of what I said this morning." She gave a curious look as she didn't seemed to remember what it was, figures it didn't matter to her, or maybe she's struggling from her nap? "If you ever want to talk about you, I'm uh, I'm available, you know? I guess I'm worried just like you are with me, seeing you tired like today."

That sounded dumb.  
She had been watching and caring for god knows how long.  
I just picked up on one little thing that was practically highlighted for me.  
We're not the same.  
She genuinely cares.  
I'm a fraud taking advantage.  
No I'm not.  
I care… I just haven't noticed anything off about her.  
We have no classes together how am I supposed to notice…  
How did she notice  
Damn it.  
Shut up.

Yuri seems to be thinking as well, she's not responding.

"Well, see you at the club?" I toss out as I gather my things.

"N-no. I think I'll be heading home at that time instead, I don't think I can make it much longer than my final class. I just need to get home and get some sleep."

"Oh… Do you want me to tell the others or?"

"No need. I see Monika in class before the club, I'll tell her myself."

"What if…" I see Sayori before the club, I could probably get out, too. But why would that benefit her? Furrowing my brow I decide to do something stupid and just do it because I want to. "I'll walk you home, since you're so tired!" I was a bit too strong on that one. "If that's okay with you, that is." But somehow falling flat right after is miles worse than coming on too strong, great job.

"Uhm… you.. You really don't have to do that, I can get home just fine." She's looking to the table and I can't read her face at all.

"I'd really like to! It's no problem at all!" Cool it, cool it, you're too enthusiastic, you're going to give her ideas or scare her off. "Er… So what do you say? I'll meet you out front once class ends?" A little better.

Yuri takes a moment to gather her things as she thinks of a response before finally breaking the anxiety this was giving me, "Thank you. I'd like that. If anything you can make sure I don't fall asleep on the way there!" she softly joked before finding her way to her feet. "I'll wait for you then, see you after class."

And with that she was gone. The bell has passed and I need to get moving. I don't know why but I'm feeling fantastic right about now.

That's stupid.  
She just agreed to let me walk her home.  
I'm letting my crush rule me right now.  
But it feels so great.  
And it's not hurting anyone.  
Just helping her home, so what if it makes me happy?  
That's GOOD that it makes me happy.  
Hell yeah.

My, admittedly misplaced, euphoria helped make the rest of the day fly by much like the first half. I ran into Sayori before our class together and told her that I'd be missing the club that afternoon as I wanted to get home to study. She had me worried as she gave me a once over and posed her most inquisitive expression before saying that my story checked out and hoping I had a good day without 'us'.

She's too much sometimes.

The final bell has rung and it's time for me to meet up with Yuri, so I quickly pack up my things and head down the hall.

"Hey Natsuki!"

Turning I see none other than Monika standing just outside my classroom as if she had been waiting for it to end for me.

"Oh, uh, hey Monika. Didn't you hear? I'm not going to make it to club today." I was a bit surprised to be honest. I guess she jogged me out of my thoughts.

"I heard, I just wanted to make sure there wasn't some problem keeping you away from us is all. Is everything okay?" Monika gave such a genuine look of concern that it actually jogged my thoughts even moreso.

"Don't worry about me!" My bravado took charge while my thoughts were a bit lost. "I just need to get some studying done, no problem!" Ha! That old facade has its uses sometimes!

Monika's expression relaxed as she visibly lost some of the tension she seemed to be holding in. "Oh thank goodness. Then I assume you're 'checking' on Yuri before the studying, hmm? Or are you studying 'with' Yuri?" Monika playfully teased, now fully relaxed from whatever worry she initially had.

"He-hey! If you knew something then why did you play it off like you were worried about me!" My face is full blush, I know it, how did she know?

"Got you!~ I didn't know anything before now~" Monika sang as she began to jauntily walk off, laughing to herself. "Try not to get too defensive in the future~ And have fun you two~" she called as she turned down another hall.

I wanted so badly to chase her down but I have to admit. She got me on that one… How did she know enough to guess? I must be so obvious if that's the case. I have to go, Yuri's waiting on me.

I must be a trainwreck.  
Stupid crush.  
Can't believe Monika played me like that.  
I mean…  
It's not the end of the world is Monika knows.  
And she doesn't really know much anyway…

No…  
She pretty clearly guessed I have a crush.  
Clever.  
Jerk.

I can't help but smile thinking about it though. Monika is a safe person to know. And she was bound to figure it out at some point, she's always on top of things like that. And I know she won't go spreading rumors about me. Now if Sayori knew I'd be in trouble. She means well but she just can't keep her mouth shut.

Walking outside I look around the courtyard looking for Yuri. There are plenty of other students making their exit or meeting up with friends to hang out. It doesn't take long before I pick her out, standing under one of the nearby trees seemingly people watching while she waits.

"Hey Yuri!" I call out as I run up to her. "Sorry, I got held up by Monika for a moment there."

"Don't worry, I only just got here. Was something wrong?"

I can't help but rub the back of my neck as I begin to lead the way so she doesn't see my likely blush, "E-eh, nothing, nothing at all. She just wanted to make sure everything was okay. You know how she is, always trying to take care of her club, and two of her members just up and vanished for the day."

"I didn't mean to do that to her, maybe I should go apologize." Yuri said, turning to head back to the building.

"Ah, no need! She's fine with it, I just meant, you know how she is? She wanted to make sure we were okay is all. I left on my own, and you really need some rest! This is fine." Yuri looked unsure, but she nodded and followed all the same.

Why does she sound like she's blaming herself for this?  
It's just the club, our friends understand.

Has she always been like this?

I do that, but it's different.  
Much different.

True to her word, Yuri was fine for the walk home. Quiet, but fine. I kept looking over whenever I could without her noticing too much and she looked like death, but she held together just fine. She must be so exhausted after this entire day with no sleep…

"Thank you so much, Natsuki. I told you I didn't need any help, heh" Yuri began before leaning a bit too much on her front door as she unlocked it. She swung it open and nearly fell straight onto her floor if I didn't grab her wrist to anchor her.

"Oh… ow." she muttered, a bit disappointed in herself.

"Are you okay?" I asked as I helped her stand more soundly.

"Yes, yes. Just, you caught my arm a little rough on that one is all. I was more startled than anything." she admitted.

"I think we should get you to bed before I leave claiming a job well done, huh?" I tried to adjust to support her as she walked but she scoffed and walked over to the couch on her own, tossing her things on the table before laying down.

"Natsuki, I'm tired. Not inebriated. I'm fine, it was just a small loss of balance is all. I'm fine here, mmm, definitely." Yuri sighed happily as she began to unsuccessfully kick off her shoes. She did look a bit blissful to finally lay down anywhere at all.

Walking up to her and gently coaxing her up I attempted to take charge despite not having much of a horse in this race, "Come on, come on. I said I'd walk you home and I don't want to leave you 'mostly' set for a good night's rest, I want you all comfy in bed. Let's get moving."

Reluctantly, Yuri stood up, but not before plenty of uncharacteristic and hyperbolic groaning and complaining about being perfectly fine on the couch. I'm not sure how much of it was a joke, but as she stood she tripped on her half-removed shoe and ended up leaning on my shoulder as I held her up.

"What was that about not being drunk?" I chided before putting my arm around her back and letting her guide me to her room.

"Shut up. I tried to kick off my shoes, you saw." I could hear the successfully removed shoes clatter behind us as we continued on.

Rounding a corner we entered her room. It was tidy, a bookshelf filled with various novels she likely enjoyed sat in one corner while a dresser with a few ornate boxes littering it's top sat beside it. Across from her bed sat a computer desk with a reading light and laptop. Ah, her bed, prime for tossing an exhausted Yuri into.

"And down you go~" I smiled as I helped her into bed. "Don't forget to at least try to get more comfortable once I'm gone, these uniforms aren't exactly the most comfortable".

Yuri yawned as she began to pull at her jacket, "You're not kidding… Thank you, Natsuki. I'm sorry to bother you with this. Maybe I'll explain some time…"

I couldn't help but smile again, seeing her so tired and comfy. It was far too cute a site. "Don't worry about it. If you want to talk, we can talk, but it's fine regardle-" I stopped cold.

"Hmm?" Yuri offered, her eyes barely opening as she was ready to settle in.

But I could see it clear as day, even in the still lighting of her house.

"You're bleeding." I said sternly as I reached over to her arm. Her sleeve had rolled on the arm I caught earlier and she was bleeding, not a lot, but enough to know I opened a wound.

How did she get cut?  
I didn't cut her did I?

As I reached out Yuri shot up in bed, wide awake and gripping her sleeve to her wrist.

"O-oh, that's nothing, it's just ah, a little something that broke open is all, nothing at all." With a burst of energy she was up and rushing to the bathroom before shutting me out.

"Yuri? What's going on? You're freaking me out right now." No response. I can hear the sink running. "If it's just something I caused when I caught you then you don't need to… I'm sorry if I hurt you like that, I didn't know you…" I don't know what to say, this is just strange. It was nothing? I just didn't expect to see blood is all. Why is she acting like this?

I think…  
I saw more…  
Through the darkness, I think I saw more cuts than just the bleeding one…  
This wasn't me… I just broke a fresh wound open…  
She's?

My head starts spinning but I ground myself by walking back to the living room and sitting on the couch.

I don't know how to deal with this.  
I don't know how you deal with this kind of thing.  
Is it okay?  
That's dangerous, isn't it?  
It's bad for you, isn't it?

I… don't know how to do this.  
I was just going to help her with her insomnia or whatever kept her up last night…  
Stress management or whatever.  
I don't know anything about this.

"N-natsuki?" Yuri's voice broke me from my thoughts. "D-did you see?"

I turned from her and nodded to the wall.

"You… saw something you weren't supposed to see. I would appreciate if you didn't tell anyone else… and… I'm sorry you saw that. That's supposed to be my secret… my burden to bare, no one else's…" she sounds terrible, like she's holding in tears.

"It.. it's fine. I mean, it's not fine, but… I'm not telling anyone... Are you okay? Did you stop the bleeding?" I ask, turning to face her again. Yuri's looking to the floor as she holds up her arm, freshly bandaged and otherwise bare as she's removed her jacket and is left in the shorter undershirt of our uniform. I can see a few marks on her other arm as well, at least three… I feel tears forming but I quickly wipe my eyes.

"Yuri…"

"It's disgusting, wrong, and bad for me. I know… Thank you for agreeing to not tell anyone, and for walking me home. You can go…" Her gaze hasn't moved from the floor and her voice is cold. How did this happen? I agreed to tell her my secrets, and now I know hers. Why does she… cut herself? Why does anyone…

"Can I…" I clear my throat. "I'm worried. Can I maybe stay the night? It's definitely fine on my end, just, I don't want to leave you alone after this. But I understand if you don't want to see my face…"

I did just ruin everything...  
Please let me stay  
I don't know how to help…  
But I'll learn.  
I'll research online… if that helps  
I'll try damn it.

Yuri hasn't budged. "Please… you're trying to help me, I don't know… anything about this, but can I at least try? Let me be here for you tonight. You get some well needed rest and I'll just, be here. So you're not alone, if that helps…" That sounds more like I'm pushing into her business… That sounds wrong.

I stood up and thought about approaching her but I still don't know how she's feeling right now. She probably hates my guts.

"I'm disgusting, you don't need to be here. Thank you, but you should go." I can see the tears running down her cheeks. I can't handle this. I slowly walked towards her, giving ample view of what I was doing so she could tell me to stop if she wanted me to.

Once I got close enough she couldn't help but look at me as I pulled her down into the deepest hug I could. At first it was just me, awkwardly hugging her as tight as I could while she stood staring dejectedly down at me. But after a moment she finally gave in. I felt her arms wrap around my back as she began to cry more audibly.

I held her tight until she finally started to stop crying, all the while idly tracing my hand along her back trying to contain her hiccups and sobbing. She must be exhausted beyond belief right now.

"C-can you stay the night, Natsuki?" she mumbled into our embrace.

"Definitely, if you want me to." I tried to sound strong, but I felt a croak in my throat as well.

Yuri didn't answer outright, merely humming softly to me before letting go.

"I'm.. going to pass out if I stay up any longer. I'd like it if you stayed… So I'm not alone and all. As long as it's not going to get you in hot water…"

"Don't worry about me. Let's just get you back in bed, I'll take the couch." I tried to flash a proud grin and I think it landed as she actually giggled as we made our way back to her bed. I braced her just like the first trip, though I'm certain after this scare she was awake enough to not need the help.

Yuri climbed back into bed and gave me a smile. She looked like hell. Utter garbage ridden hell. And it made my heart beat so quickly… she's incredible.

"So… I wasn't supposed to see that-" I felt terrible looking at her forearms now, I just wanted to make them feel better… "-and you don't have to, but what if we both put everything on the table together? Not now, or all at once, just." Take a breath. Phew. "I'm trusting you, do you think you can trust me?"

Yuri reached out and grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. "I'll trust you, Natsuki. Now get out of here before I fall asleep on you." I couldn't help but smile, the irony was still funny, and her hand was reassuring.

This can be a good thing.

I squeezed her hand back before leaving for the couch. I had to shoot Papa a text but I know he won't care. He's arguably happier when I'm not there, though it's pretty much guaranteed he'll find something about my absence to complain about tomorrow. But that's never an actual problem,at most, more yelling.

With that out of the way I opened up the browser on my phone and began my evening's studies.

I don't know how to help you.  
But I'll try.


	5. Chapter 5

Fog and the Flame - Ch 5

God I feel terrible. Where am I?

Twisting around I nearly fall off the couch in my stupor. Ah. Yuri's.

I fell asleep at some point late into the night while trying to research, well, self harm. Rubbing my eyes I take a quick check of myself. Slept terribly, but at least I had the presence of mind to take off my jacket so it wasn't completely uncomfortable. Better yet, my phone says I have enough time to get home to shower and change before class. Hell, it's early even. Time to spare. I kind of wish I slept longer, but I guess the couch had different plans.

With a stretch I turned over my thoughts from last night. Yuri crashed out right after I helped her to her room, so I had all afternoon to myself and before I knew it the clock said it was nearing midnight and I was still laying back mulling over what I'd learned. So that's probably around when I finally went down.

I still don't know exactly what to do.

I learned a lot. A lot more than I'd think I need to. But that doesn't mean I know what's best for Yuri. I don't think that's really possible for me to know, but I know I don't want her... cutting herself. It's not good. It's dangerous. It's hurting her…

Clenching my fists I stopped myself for a moment. I still believe it's wrong for her, but my reading through articles wasn't for nothing. She's doing this for a reason… It's helping her in some way that makes her want to keep doing it… But it's still not good for her. It's about coping, but what's she coping against? I don't want her hurting, inside or out… Cutting is… It might help her now, but it's still dangerous and can make her grow to need it… I don't want that for her. I don't want her hurting herself to get over other pains. I don't want her feeling whatever makes her want this. I don't want this for her.

I'm back where I started…. I'm an idiot. I read and I read and I read and I learned why people might do this, I learned alternatives, but they all work differently for different people. I don't know how to make her stop, I don't know why she does it, and I don't know if I can even help.

I don't know if she even wants to stop. How do I make her want to stop?

I feel a heaviness inside as a helpless feeling overcame me.

All I want is to help her. And I don't even know if she wants to stop. She has to stop. It's not good for her. It's… lucrative, addictive, damaging…

I need to find out why she does this. I don't want her hurting… inside or out.

I can't just make that go away.  
I'm a total fuck up.  
I can't convince her to stop.  
If she trusts me she'll just be let down.

My knuckles are white. Taking a shaky deep breath I relax as best I can.

This is how last night went after I started reading. Just article after article explaining why someone would cut, some of the things it can do for them, why it helps them, and how it hurts them... Followed by my thoughts circling back to how worthless this is. I'm glad I know what I do now, but I can't use this knowledge. Not well enough for her. I'm so worried about her…

I've never had to deal with this before.

"Oh, good morning, was I too loud?" Yuri piped up from behind me, surprising me more than I'd like to admit.

"Ah, n-no. I was already up, it's fine, it's fine. Did you get some rest?" I have to say, she did look a lot more put together than yesterday, despite her less than tidy bedhead.

"Heh, I… guess I needed that quite a bit. Yes, I slept well, thank you! Uhm, I wanted to thank you for staying the night, I'm sorry...about, you know. Putting you through this..." She didn't look comfortable. I guess last night did that to both of us.

"Look… Yuri.."

"I'll make us something to eat to repay you, if you're staying until school?" she interrupted. I'm kind of glad she did, I really don't know where to begin.

"N-no. I'll head home. I could use a shower before the day gets moving, you know?" With that I began to throw my jacket back on as Yuri quietly nodded before heading to the kitchen, presumably for her own breakfast.

I have time to stay.  
I really want to get out of here.  
I don't want to leave.  
I can't help, just go.

Grabbing my bag I stood up and started walking towards the door, but the heaviness I felt inside was making every step harder than the last. I can't just give up before I even start. If I leave she'll think I'm running away.

I am running away.

"Uh… Yuri" I called toward the kitchen as I turned to meet her half way.

"Look. About last night. I still want to know about… this. I want to help if I can, because…" I guess I'm putting things out there this early in the morning. She's right before me, the two of us don't seem ready to say or hear anything about our struggles, not this early at least. She just wants to make breakfast, and I just want to run home.

"Because I care about you. You're my friend, and you're trying to help me and… Look, I don't know how to react to what I saw or if I'm even ready to say anything about myself but… it's nice, you know? It feels nice to know you care, whenever I convince myself to believe it. So I want to help you, too. This…"

"It's okay. I know how I probably look to you now. I know you're too proud to just admit you find this disturbing and think less of me. I can tell. You don't have to force yourself into… this mess that I am. You don't owe me, and maybe I'm not the right person to help you anyway. I'm hardly put together, myself." I felt myself glaring at Yuri. She's completely wrong, I couldn't ever think less of her for this. "It's… disgusting, and wrong, and who I am."

"Shut up." My voice was cold. Or was it? I'm angry. But I'm not angry at her. "Don't say that about yourself. Don't. Don't you even think it." I'm getting furious. My fists are clenched, it's too early for this. "You are not disgusting. It's just…." Don't cry. You need to go home. "I don't like that you're hurting. That you're hurting yourself. That something makes you want to do this. I don't like that you do this, but I don't think less of you for it. I want to know why. I want to help you. I want to… I want to know. Please don't think those things. Please don't ever say them again… You're wonderful, and special, and…" I'm fucking crying.

Shut up.

There's such a large lump in my throat that I think I'll choke if I try to say more, and I'm glad it's there. It's distracting me from my anger. And it saved me from saying too much again. Stupid. She is all of those wonderful things, and more… Stupid crush. But even without the crush. I feel so angry at those…. Lies she seems to believe.

"I-I've got to go. Can you… What if we…" I took a breath to steady myself. "I still trust you, do you still trust me?" That doesn't even mean anything. I'm an idiot. Yuri looks startled. Was I yelling? I think I was up until just then.

"Y-." Yuri started to speak as she turned to look away from me. "I don't know." I've lost her trust, or did I ever have it?

"...Can I help you? I want to earn your trust. I want to listen to your problems, and be there for you. I want to do whatever it takes to make you never think of yourself like that again, and… I want to help you stop.. Cutting. I want to help you stop, I don't want you to do that to yourself, it's…" Yuri looked like she tried to finish what I was saying, but she stopped herself. "Dangerous. I.. I don't think I'm capable of doing it all, but I want to be there for you. I want to help as much as I can…"

Yuri is silent, and she won't look at me. She's thinking, that much is obvious. The silence is tearing me apart though. I spent all night trying to figure out how to handle this delicate situation and here I am shouting and running off at the mouth without a second to think. I think I messed this up.

"Yuri… I have to go now, but let's keep meeting for lunch. And maybe I can come stay the night again tonight? Unless you want to be alone. I want to help you, you know, like how you want to help me?" I shuffle my bag on my shoulder and wait for a reaction, or sound, or anything from her.

"Thank you, Natsuki. I… appreciate what you're saying. I never wanted you to find out. And you're reaction is like nothing I expected… I'll see you at lunch. I'm uncertain about tonight though. But… I want to trust you on this. It's just… You really weren't supposed to see this side of me…"

"Hey, we'll take our time. I still haven't spilled all my secrets yet, and you've been unbelievably patient with me. I'm willing to give you every bit of that right back. If you don't trust me yet, I understand. Let me try to earn that. Give me that, please."

"I'm just doubting everything right now… I want to trust you, and I think I do… I definitely will if we take this slow. Right?" Yuri has resorted to leaning against the wall and she looks on the brink of tears. I wonder if she noticed mine or if I scared her senses away with my stupid yelling.

"You don't owe me anything, Yuri. You don't have to tell me about this, okay? You don't have to trust me even. Just…" I could hit myself for what I made her agree to last night. I took advantage of her when she was tired and not thinking. "Don't worry about last night, or even about me seeing what I saw. Don't worry about whether you trust me or not, or us both putting everything on the table. Just, focus on you, and tell me when you are sure about things. One way or the other, just tell me when you're sure, because I want to help, and I don't want to force you into this." Was that good? I don't want her feeling coerced into trusting me. I already pushed her too quickly last night.

Yuri took a breath and looked a bit more at ease as she nodded my way. I wanted to do something more, but I just don't know what to do. I think that was okay. I hate seeing her so overwhelmed like this. She gave me the saddest look when she nodded, and I'd do anything to turn that poor face into a smile.

I turned and finally made me exit, exhaling the breath I was apparently holding as I shut the door behind me.

This can be a good thing…  
There's no way I can do this…  
I have to try.  
For Yuri.

I shook my head a moment and focused on that last thought. It felt a little easier to move ahead that way. I might make mistakes, but I can be there for her. Just like how she's trying to be there for me. I can do this, for Yuri.

Wiping my eyes to make sure I didn't look too shaken by my morning, I looked forward as I began my walk back home. I could almost smile, if this wasn't so scary. Opening up to Yuri about my problems. She's going to try to help me… Helping Yuri feel comfortable opening up to me. And doing the same to her. Maybe we can make things better? Together?

Stupid.  
I feel the heat returning to my face.  
I know what's going on.  
Stupid crush.

Now it feels selfish and wrong. Way to ruin everything.

I'm not doing this just to get closer to her…  
Well…  
Not like that, I'm not…  
But  
If it happens  
If that happens I'd be very happy  
Shut up…  
But yeah, that'd be sweet.  
To at least see if she feels the same.  
Try things out…  
I've never really had a girlfriend before…  
Stop it  
You're jumping ahead again.  
Help your friend. That's it. That's all. That's what I'm doing. Because she's wonderful. Because I care about her. Not because of some crush. Because she's helping me. Because I want to.  
I really want to.  
Maybe it's not selfish.  
And maybe it's not selfish to hope either…

I couldn't help but let out a sigh. Wishful thinking. But maybe this is okay. It certainly feels good to talk with Yuri lately, and… I really don't want her hurting like that. If I can help, I have to. I can't let it be if there's a chance.

I'm getting close to home at this point. I can see it from here. It should be okay. Papa usually gets up soon after I leave anyway, and it's way earlier than that. I'll just slide in, clean up, and head right back out for class.

No problem at all. Upon unlocking the door and sneaking inside it's pretty obvious Papa is still asleep. The whole place is silent, save for the sound of a fan upstairs. The living room and kitchen are slightly worse for wear from yesterday, but that's the usual. Things get progressively worse throughout the week until Papa finally cools off on the weekend and we join forces against the mess. Within moments I'm tossing my uniform in the laundry, setting out my spare to wear after my shower and hopping in for a quick clean.

Times not an issue, but I would still like to finish up quickly and get out of here. It's never likely since he sleeps so heavily, but waking Papa usually, well. It's not good.

The water feels so great right now; I let it rinse away at my face and listen to the sound of it all. I can feel every drop revitalizing me after this lackluster night of sleep and the emotional display at Yuri's. I feel content. I enjoy this a little longer than I planned on as the water begins to turn cold before I finally began washing myself.

Turning off the water I dry off and get my uniform on. It still sounds quiet other than the ongoing fan, so I think I've made it just fine. I do my best to thoroughly dry my hair before putting in my ribbons for the day.

Looking good and ready to go.  
Can't even tell that I've been up half the night, heh.

Now that I think about it, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I think a shower was just what I needed after… well everything! Only a few hours of sleep and I'm feeling ready to take on the world! I really hope this holds true through the day, otherwise it's going to get hard towards the end there.

I couldn't help but smile at my reflection. I felt so powerful right now, ready to do it all!

Hell yeah I'll help Yuri, I'll do anything for her!  
Hell yeah I'll make it through the day, I can do it all!  
Hell yeah, I'm great!

I threw my arm in the air in a mock cheer that quickly became real with all this energy. "Hell yeah!" I yelled at the powerful girl in my reflection.

I gave a grin before turning to leave the bathroom to finally get out of here.

A pounding stomp.

Heavy footsteps.

Angry breathing.

I fucked up.

I braced myself as best I could as my door swung open to reveal Papa, in his undershirt and boxers and looking livid. He continued without missing a beat from the door opening as he walked with a purpose towards me. His eyes bore down on me. My Papa is a tall, mostly thin man, aside from his gut which threatened to bloat if he ever stopped his arduous work at the factory. Work which left him in much better shape than most. When he's angry you know it. Usually because he makes sure you hear it, but he doesn't have to do that. When someone nearly twice as high as you with the power to break just about anything in the area is mad, you know it.

My body is tensing up on reflex, I drop everything and merely stand there, head down, waiting on what comes next.

My stomach tightens and spins at each harsh footstep towards me. I see his feet as he stands in front of me and I stare between them, still waiting.

"Natsuki." Papa growled, his voice breaking free from the raspiness of sleep. "What did I tell you about waking me?" He paused, but I know he doesn't want an answer. There is no right answer. I messed up, nothing I can say will change that. "You know I have to work my ass off to provide for you, and I need my damn sleep. It's not that difficult a concept, I'm sure even you can understand. Hell! I thought you did, but here we are yet again."

There's nothing but disappointment and disdain in his voice. I continue to stare at the floor. Please let this be okay.

"I still have two hours until I need to get up for god damn work, and you come in after a fun party night out, which I let you do by the way, stomping around the god damn house and shouting at the top of your lungs? What the fuck were you thinking?" His voice is rising, but he keeps settling it back down as he pauses.

I'm a fucking idiot.  
I fucked up.  
I'm sorry.  
I'm so sorry.  
Please be okay.  
It's not that big a deal.  
I'm sorry.

"Nat. Are you paying attention, you disrespectful brat? If I don't get my sleep who knows what's going to happen around here? I go to work tired one too many times and boom, I'm out on my ass and you're shit out of luck. I can't support a no good stupid student like you on thin air for an income!" I hear him sigh as if he's growing annoyed with explaining himself.

He's right…  
No, I didn't do that  
This isn't a big deal…

"I'm not losing my fucking job because of some child of mine being an obnoxious shit around the house all night or waking me up early as hell for no good reason. I'm so tired. And not just literally, I'm so fucking tired of dealing with you. When you turned eighteen I thought I'd get my fucking life back but here you are, still being a drain on my very soul. Fucking lord."

I see his shadow shift as he steps closer to me. Suddenly I feel his hands grip both of my shoulders tightly as he squeezed the ever living hell out of me, threatening to squeeze my arms into myself. "Nat! Are you fucking listening?" His shouting words hurt my ears.

"Y-Yes, Papa! Yes, I'm listening!" I try to sound certain but my insides are flashing between frigid with fear and hot from pain.

"Then look at me when I'm talking to you. I want an apology and I don't want this going in one ear and out the other, do you understand?" He won't stop shouting, I want to clasp my ears shut but I can't move. It hurts. God damn it it hurts so badly, he's too strong, I'm too weak, does he not know it hurts so much?

"I said look at me." Papa's voice is cold. I can feel him gritting his teeth as he squeezes harder. His patience is gone.

I can't.  
I feel stiff as a rock.  
I can't.  
I can't!  
I can't look.  
Please let go...

In one swift motion Papa let go of my left shoulder and reaches back to grab a handful of my hair, tugging my neck backwards so I am forced to stare up at him. The pain is terrible, but the shock is what hit me the hardest. It left my heart racing and I felt my eyes begin to water terribly. He's glaring down at me. My shoulder is on fire as he continues to squeeze as hard as he can, threatening to break my bones apart or shove it into the socket until everything shatters. My eyes are wide open and staring back at Papa. I can't say anything.

"That's better. I don't want to repeat myself. You're supposed to be a good girl and follow the rules around here. I've told you before about waking up Papa, and I've repeated myself one too many times on the matter. You know better. Or you should."

His grip is so tight around my shoulder that I feel my hand going cold. My other arm is better off but I can't for the life of me move an inch. I'm frozen with or without his weight on me, his presence is enough. My head is a mess of racing thoughts and pain trying to tell me what to do to get away from this, but it has me overwhelmed.

I'm so small and worthless…

"I-I'm sorry, Papa. I-I didn't mean to…" Did I manage to say that? Or did I think it?

Papa held me tight in his hands. I'm left staring up at him for a moment as he leered back down to me as he decided if I had said enough. Through all of his deliberating he remained steadfast in applying pressure, pulling my hair taut as he made sure I couldn't move my gaze anywhere but up at him, and allowing his other hand to continue nearly crushing my arm.

Please don't hit me  
Please don't  
Please

I felt myself fall to my knees as Papa let me go. I heard his heavy steps lead away as he muttered to himself just loud enough for me to hear. "Out of all the kids in the world I got a fucking pain in the ass like you."

I'm sitting here, in the middle of my room listening to the same fan as earlier. Crying like the worthless child I am, rubbing my right shoulder as I try to stop the pain, but it won't. It hurts so badly, just make it stop.

I fucked up  
This didn't have to happen.

My head is still spinning, but aside from the back of my head feeling sore it felt a lot better than my arm.

Why?  
Why do I deserve this?  
I've tried all my life and I still make his harder every day.  
I hate him.  
I'm so sorry  
I'm so sorry  
I'm so sorry  
Please  
Just...why?

I don't know how long I've sat here. The pain is less now, but the tears are still flowing. I guess they never stopped when he first pulled my hair. I had started hiccuping when the tears turned to sobbing and the hiccups have remained. It hurts. And the hiccups get stuck in my throat. They hurt, too.

Taking as deep a breath as I can manage before another hiccup interrupts me, I try to work my way to my feet and curse myself for trying to push off the ground with my injured arm. The pain sent a shock through my body, and I quickly fell back down on my knees, squeezing my right shoulder as best I could to try and make it stop.

After another moment I try again while avoiding my right arm. Things go more smoothly, though I feel unsteady on my feet. It's all in my head. I walk back to the bathroom so that I can try to look myself over with the mirror. My phone buzzes in my pocket to tell me the time from one of my alerts. I still have time to go to class. I have to. I don't want to be here when Papa gets up for work. That would be a bad idea.

Pulling off my jacket with some difficulty, I try to see if anything is visually wrong with my shoulder. It looks fine.. Maybe a little red? But it doesn't look bad, not yet at least. Slowly, ever so slowly, I try to rotate my arm to see how bad things really are. If I'm careful I can move it up in front of me and back down to my side without too much pain. Going quickly is… not good. And backwards or up is a complete no. I winced as I tried to raise my arm above my head and the pain locked it in place. I simply can't go any further unless I want to fall over and scream while doing it. The same thing happens when I try to reach behind me…

I can deal with this  
This is okay

Feeling it out and trying to stretch it, it doesn't seem broken or anything. Just… it hurts like hell. I can't use this for much of anything until it's rested and heals up… hopefully. I've had worse, it should be fine.

My hair is a mess, but it's always a bit of a mess I guess. My ribbons fell out when he grabbed the back of my head so I quickly recovered those from the floor and tried to get that squared away. It turned out to be rather difficult with full use of only one arm, and maybe it's a little off in places, but no one should notice.

I looked into the bathroom mirror, now at myself instead of my wounds and disheveled hair. All I see is a sad little girl. A worthless sack of shit making things harder on everyone else. I hate this girl. Why couldn't she be better?

Worthless.  
I hate him.  
I hate me.  
I deserve this.

My hiccups have stopped, at some point I just stopped crying altogether as I fixed my hair and looked over my shoulder. That's good. I rinse a cloth and wash my face so that I don't go to school looking like some emotional wreck of a person. The time's getting close, I have to go now so I hurry things along. I take the time to toss on my jacket carefully and quickly grab my bag off my bed.

And immediately drop it and hold my mouth shut with my left hand. That much weight thrown on my arm nearly broke me down completely. It took all I had not to shout and repeat this whole process by waking up Papa.

Fucking idiot.  
You fucking idiot.

I sigh as I picked my bag back up with my left arm this time. I have to hurry if I'll be on time. I guess I can hide this well enough if I just use my left arm all day. Maybe let my work pile up a bit for home, but I can make it.

Yeah.  
I can make it.  
I can hide this.  
No one will notice.

I quietly made my way through the house and out my front door as I locked up and turned towards the school.

Shit.  
Someone will notice.  
She'll notice.  
...I don't want her to notice…  
She… said she'd noticed before..  
But she's never seen anything up close…  
And we've never talked about… what happens at home…  
Am I ready to talk about this?...

I take my first step away from the door and let habit lead me to school.

One way or another I'll make it through today. Just...It's just Yuri. Hide this from everyone… and face her once she notices… I don't think I really prepared to talk to her about anything… I distracted myself with idle worry, or her problems, and now… Now I think it's my turn to show something I don't want to share…

I try to roll my shoulder to see if it's feeling any better and I'm met with a jolt of pain that's hard to hide. The school is ahead of me, and Yuri is nowhere to be seen. That makes sense. I'm almost late as is, I probably won't see her until lunch. Let's get this act on the road… Half a day to get through without anyone seeing through Natsuki's patented prideful facade… I can do that.


	6. Chapter 6

Fog and the Flame - Ch 6

The walk to school was harder than it usually is. All that energetic excitement from my shower was long gone and now I felt like falling asleep despite the day not even starting yet. My shoulder stings. The back of my head still feels sore. My lackluster night of sleep feels even worse than it should. I feel like death.

Looking up from the walkway I can see the steps leading into the school building, along with many fellow students rushing every which way. Grabbing onto a guiding rail I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

I can do this.  
No one will find out if I stay strong.  
I…  
Might even trick Yuri…  
No...  
She'll see right through me...

My heart dropped as I exhale the breath I've held and threw on a more sturdy expression for class. There's no way I'm getting through today without Yuri finding out more about... everything. But I still have work to do. I still have to stay strong so none of these jerks start seeing any weakness. I can do that. And when Yuri comes up at lunch and starts asking questions… Maybe we should talk somewhere? Or maybe I can ask her if we can talk after school, I don't want anyone to hear my… about me. Why does she have to ask, she said she already noticed. Why do I have to say it?

"Natsuki, I wasn't aware that I was boring you. I guess I should apologize, or am I wrong to assume this is my time and that you should start focusing?" I blink a few times as I returned from my thoughts. Class has started and everyone's staring my way as our professor gives me an irritated tap or two on the board. Passive aggressive bitch.

"Sorry, just, waking up you know? I'm sorry, I'm focused!" I try to throw an enthusiastic grin into things and a few students turn around with a chuckle. No suspicion, we're fine. I guess I'll just power through until lunch, I can do this.

Each class passed before my eyes with the only lasting effects being a heavier bag full of work I didn't do and heavier eyelids as my act wore out the little energy I did have.

There she is. Sitting in what's now our usual spot, I guess. I can't do this. She hasn't noticed me. I can just duck out. Hide away until lunch is over. My stomach let out a pitiful growl in response to all the smells and sights of the cafeteria. No sleep plus putting on an aggressive show whenever someone so much as glanced at me was putting a toll on my body. Not to mention this morning... I'm exhausted, I need to refuel any way I can and food sounds wonderful...

That's part of why she's here, right? A free meal to help me make it through the day? And... why am I so scared to share with her? It's... good, right? She cares... But it's so hard. I don't want her to see me like this...

Yuri spotted me. Shit. She raised her hand to wave me over, heh, like I don't know where we sit. She has such a sweet smile.

I can't hide now.  
I have to.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, I swear this whole centering yourself idea just doesn't work but I'd do anything to calm down even a little at this point. I try to put on a strong face but... I just can't. I feel myself breaking as I try to grin and I know I look off. I give up and just try to avoid drawing attention instead as I walk over. I think she noticed, but I'm not even sure what she noticed. I probably look like a sad mess. She said she noticed how I act when I'm pretending in the past. Shit.

"H-hey, Yuri... so... How was your day so far?" I asked as convincingly as I could, taking my seat next to her. I cautioned a glance in her direction and I could tell my jig was up before it could even begin by the concerned look she was giving me. She didn't respond, merely tracing her gaze up and down me looking for… something, but when she caught my eye we both looked away.

Why does she care so much?  
It'd be so much easier for her if she just didn't.  
And it's embarrassing too...  
Sure, she's looking for bruises, but someone else will get the wrong idea.  
If only it was that simple...  
Cut it out.

"My day was fine so far, but..." Yuri practically mumbled and lost her voice halfway through whatever she meant to say. But I think it's pretty clear at this point. How does she see through me so easily? Sure I screwed up, but immediately? I tried to look at her without turning my head too much so she wouldn't notice and it was just the final bit of proof. She looks torn up inside, just staring at her lunchbox.

My mind has completely stalled, but I have to say something. Maybe...

"I, uh, talked with Papa this morning. I hadn't planned on it. But you know how it is." That almost sounded like a joke. Out of the corner of my eye I can see that Yuri has looked back to me, but I couldn't stop staring at the table.

"Did…" She paused for a moment as she shuffled her hands in her lap. "How did that go? Anything wrong?" Maybe there is more I can share without drawing attention after all…

"N-No. Nothing out of the usual. He's a, uh, pain you know?" I sound dumb. Attempting to emphasize 'pain' just sounded like a terrible child's game. My hands are shaking a little and I'm trying to hold them tight in my lap. It feels so strange to talk about this, even in this roundabout way. I gave a slight glance to Yuri only to see her brow beginning to furrow as she started to glare, now looking back to her lunchbox.

"Where?" I've never heard her sound so stern and cold before. It gave me goosebumps and I don't know why.

My lips parted but I felt my throat closing up as my hands shook harder. I've never shared this stuff before. Papa always said it was wrong. Besides… she'll treat me differently. I don't want her pity. Swallowing the harshness down I slowly rotated my hurt shoulder which forced a sharp inhale when I hit a bad angle. I hadn't planned on hurting myself, I just wanted to signal where it hurt. Idiot.

Yuri nearly leapt to her feet when she heard my utterance of pain and quickly grabbed hold of my arm as if she could magically stop it from hurting, that only made it worse. Stifling my voice as best I could I reflexively pulled my arm away and quickly tossed my bag on the table to bury my face behind. Fuck. I hope no one could see my pained expression... I was not prepared for that at all.

That. Hurt.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, Natsuki? Are you okay? I'm so sorry, I didn't, I just meant to, I was just-" My teeth were still gritting as I tried to swallow my pain and put on a brave face.

"It's. Okay." I took a breath through my teeth and rubbed my shoulder to try and calm down. It wasn't that it hurt, though it did, it's just the last thing I expected her to do. That startled the hell out of me, I couldn't have been less prepared for that shockwave up and down my arm if I were sleeping. Peeking over my makeshift barrier, it seems like no one is too interested in what's going on in our little corner. I guess I held that together well enough, and even when Yuri's freaking out she struggles to raise her voice. Thank god.

I tried to flash Yuri a tough grin out of habit to show that I've got this, but she seemed almost taken aback by my attitude.

"It's nothing, Yuri. Just a little sore is all, keep off it and I'll be fine!" What am I doing? I'm falling into bravado again. Yuri is just staring at me with a frown, I don't like that.

"Well… I'm glad you're okay, I'm sorry I did that, I just, didn't think. I wasn't thinking." Yuri looked so sad right now, way to go. I worried her and dragged her down. I knew it was a bad idea to share. "Can.." She looked back to the box before her and shook her head as if she'd forgotten something before sliding it in front of me. "Can we talk again without the act… please? I really like when you're tough, you always are, but… I don't like when you force yourself like this… It's like I'm talking to another person, and I don't feel like you're being honest with me when you force it..."

Why'd that hurt?  
Because she's right.  
That hurt a lot more than I let on.

I pulled out a few of the smaller treats from her lunch and began to snack idly for a moment. While I was struggling with how to explain myself and make this better, Yuri broke the silence again.

"I'm sorry… You don't have to, I just… I wasn't sure if you would open up to me and it surprised me, and now we're back to silence and pretending everything is okay... I wasn't thinking after seeing you like that… I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. It was just the surprise, seeing you change like that right as we talked..." Yuri seemed flustered as if she'd said something wrong, but she's right. I felt it too. I was being defensive in front of someone I said I'd trust to know the truth.

"No… It's easy for me." I sighed as I finished a potato chip "It's easy to fall back into it… It's either that or cower from pain, and I don't want to cower if I can ever help it." I'm on a roll for sharing things I've never said out loud before. I'd be proud if I wasn't doing this to make up for dragging her down in the first place. "I'm sorry. You're fine to feel put off, it's… not completely up to me sometimes. I've done this for a very long time." I'm not sure how I just got all of that out there into the air just now. It's like I snuck the truth out in the chaos of my mind switching back and forth between facade and reality. I wasn't scared to share because I was busy, I guess. Huh.

Yuri was quiet as she absorbed this for a moment. I attempted to continue eating but within the moment I felt her hand back on my shoulder, much more softly this time.

"Does it still hurt?... I didn't mean to make things worse like that, it was… I don't know what I was thinking." I don't know if she's realized it but she's rubbing my shoulder now while I try to eat. It…. admittedly feels pretty good with how tender she's being, but it's borderline impossible to eat now. This… is a little close, I don't know if she realizes how touchy she's being.

She knows what she's doing.  
Oh shit.  
She has to.

"Y-yeah I'm fine, I wasn't kidding about that, heh." Well now I'm just a dork laughing in a serious situation because I feel my face heating up at her touch and I just want to think about anything else please. This day is just all over the place, I feel even more exhausted now just thinking about it. If my heart doesn't quiet down she's going to realize another secret before I feel comfortable sharing. She's being way too sweet...

We just sat like that for a while. Yuri gently kneaded my shoulder and slowly worked down my bicep and back up while I tried to eat. I was too afraid of her noticing my blushing face if I looked at her, or maybe scaring her back to her senses and causing this to end, so I stared ahead. All the while I've been thankful for my makeshift barrier for hiding the bulk of this from any prying eyes. She has to know what she's doing, she's being so deliberate! Maybe she'd unknowingly do this for a moment or two, but it's been minutes. She's being way too sweet, this is too close. Why?

She never asked anything else, but I guess anything deeper than admitting it happened was kind of hard to say in public.

That's considerate of her  
I don't think I could say anything else like this.  
Not now.  
But…  
I feel a lot better right now…  
In a few ways.  
My arm feels a bit better.  
And I actually.. Do feel a little relieved to share with her  
I didn't really burden her… did I?  
I don't know what I fear so badly…  
Because this doesn't feel like she's judging me.  
It still feels hard, but I think I can talk more.

Lunch is getting close to ending and Yuri's been doing this idly all period long. She started humming at some point… It's nice. I didn't really accomplish much with her lunch, but I'm feeling a lot more energized now regardless, so it's fine. This is soothing. I feel… content. I feel happy. She's so caring.

And there it is, I was mildly distracted and now my crush is crushing the life out of me again because this is very real and is happening right now. I can feel the blood rush to my cheeks again, how did I become okay with this? The time just passed and I stopped feeling so embarrassed but she's still right here. Yuri is gently tracing figures into my shoulder as she rubs my shoulder blade softly, how did it get to this? Her voice is so soft and she's just humming for me and why is she being so sweet? Can't she see that, wait, don't tell me she found out about my crush?

I looked over to Yuri to see if my fears are true.

Is she just teasing me?  
God she's beautiful… and caring… and sweet…  
Shut up!  
Because she's your friend!  
This is just what friends do!  
She's worried and found out I'm hurt.  
She's helping!  
She's beautiful…  
She's my friend!  
Nothing more!

This isn't helping, looking at her is just making this whole thing worse. She's so cute.

Stop it!

She doesn't seem to have noticed I've even moved. Her expression is so calm as she hums along. Her eyes flowing in small circles and stars and whatever else as she follows her finger tracing into my arm. She's absorbed in her little activity. Wait. Maybe that's how she kept this up for so long. She's not teasing me for my crush or...well, being sweet in a more than friends kind of way. Yuri was just lost in thought is all. That's a bit of a relief, and… also a little disappointing… I wish that maybe she picked up on my crush.

No I don't.  
I don't want her to know.  
'm being silly.  
Just stop burning, cheeks, before she notices.  
Come on just stop.  
Deep breaths, let it pass.  
I can't look away…  
She's stunning, really…  
I could watch her eyes all day…  
Something about feeling her finger tracing as her eye follows…  
STOP.

I can feel my entire face burning up, I might as well have a fever. I'm falling into this crush hard and she's only making it worse right now.

"I, uh, I thought you wanted to talk not… uh… wh-whatever this is." Bite your tongue and never stop biting it you colossal idiot. Yuri's finger stopped tracing along my shoulder but she remained where she was, still holding her hand against the back of my shoulder and her tracing finger now resting against the side of my bicep.

"Well… I told you from the start I wanted to help you. It… hurts to see what you endure and if I can make it feel a little better that's what I want to do." She sounded so sure. She's acting like it's the most normal thing in the world to get all handsy like this. "Besides, it's not exactly easy to talk about at school…" Yuri gently squeezed my arm. "Thank you for telling me what you could. I… I'm sorry. This must be my fault. If you hadn't seen me you wouldn't have stayed over and this might not have happened."

I reached over and grabbed Yuri's hand as I looked her in the eyes, fully prepared to tell her how ridiculous it was to take the blame... and I lost my words.

I just stared into her eyes. Time froze. I could hear my heart beating as I held her hand tightly in my own. It's beating so loudly, she has to hear it, oh god, I made this so much worse, oh god. She's not looking away. Her hand folds from my grasp only to interlock her fingers with my own.

Oh my god.

My mouth opens to say what I intended but I have nothing. She's so beautiful. There's such a softness to her smile right now, why? It's obvious. But really? She squeezes my hand and I can see her blushing now, oh god I must be red as can be. What do I do now?

I glance to my left. No one is looking our way. It might as well just be me and Yuri alone. As I look back to her my heart leaped as she leaned closer ever so slowly, her eyes narrowing as she approached. Those beautiful lips parted ever so slightly.

Oh my god.  
She.

She is so close now, I'm frozen solid. Her eyes are closed and she's leaning as close as possible without touching, just a little further and this can actually happen.

A loud bell.

Everyone rushes to toss their garbage away and begins to shuffle out of the cafeteria towards their next class. My eyes are wide staring at Yuri as she returns my surprised stare, her blush deepening before she pulls her hand from my own and begins to gather the uneaten food into the lunchbox to more hastily get out of here.

Coward.  
Too slow.

Yuri's up and walking away before I've even readjusted in my seat to grab my bag.

I can't  
I can't just let her go without saying something.  
She blames herself.  
And this?

I quickly grab my bag and rush off towards Yuri.

What do I say?  
What if I just freeze again?  
Holy shit I suck.

I reach out and grab Yuri's hand, attempting to hold her back as everyone else leaves the cafeteria. This seemed to startle her as she spun around to see me. Having her hand in mine again seemed to bring her blush back, I still can't believe this is happening. Once we were finally alone I poked my head out the exit to make sure no one was within earshot and finally looked back to my caring friend. I swallowed as hard as I could but the lump sitting in my throat just stubbornly remained.

"Yu-Yuri." I can't look at her and say any of this, just look away, just look down. She squeezed my hand. Great that's not helping. "Yuri. It's not your fault what happens to me. Please don't. Don't… try to take the blame. I messed up is all." My throat hurts. "Th-thank you. Thank you so much for today. You really...were you?..." Shut up.

Something warm touched my forehead? As I raise my head all I see is Yuri pulling back, her face as red as I've ever seen it before.

Did she?  
Just kiss me?  
Oh my god.

"Did you just?..." She only nodded in response, now she was finding it hard to look my way.

"I was worried when you grabbed my hand… at lunch I mean. I thought that you were so busy eating that I could give you… that I could be… I want to give you… Oh dear." She's flustered and tripping over her words, I'm not too used to seeing her so uncollected yet.

"Just say what you're thinking." I try to sound certain of myself. I'm not sure how well that's working because I'm starting to shake knowing that she just kissed my forehead, and I know she can feel it from how tightly I'm holding her hand now.

"I…You don't deserve what you go through. I wanted to make it better if I could, but before I knew it I was doing too much. I didn't mean to invade your space touching your arm but.. You didn't stop me so I did. That wasn't okay… I was just doing what I wanted. I wanted to give you tenderness to make it at least a little better. I mean… It's my fault anyway…"

"It isn't. Trust me." I was able to get that out more strongly than I could have a moment ago. I'm not letting her beat herself up over my mistakes.

"I was worried you'd notice and stop me, but then you, I wasn't sure but… Was I wrong? Do you not…" Of course, how did she make so many moves on me if she's so prone to second guessing herself? I couldn't help but smile as I tried to live up to my own false confidence. I reached up to her chin and turned her back towards me as I stared intently into her eyes.

"How the hell did you know I had a crush on you?" I couldn't help but grin at my own stupid admission, and sure enough that made her smile. Such a beautiful, incredible smile. I think I love that smile. Not so stupid crush.

As Yuri opened her mouth she struggled to speak through a giggle, "I most definitely didn't know! I just said I was worried you'd stop me from indulging, I didn't have the slightest idea until I saw your eyes so close to mine. I was just… enjoying your company. Getting to do something sweet or intimate with you, and for you. It let me take care of you in a way and I was able to be so close to you… Th-That isn't why I helped you in the first place though! I really care about you, it doesn't matter that I like you too, it was… maybe a little convenient…" Her gaze returned to the exit.

"Stop worrying so much. That was… really nice. And look!" Once Yuri glanced back over I gave an exaggerated flex and rotated my hurt shoulder a bit. I planned to showboat things but i really did feel a lot better thanks to her attention. "I'm practically fighting fit thanks to you!" Another giggle, I feel like a champ being able to make her do that.

"We should really hurry to class, we're going to be late!" She tugged my arm towards the exit.

"Alright, fine. And, uh, Yuri? It's nice to be able to talk to you about things. And I really like spending time with you." I'm smiling like a total dork right now. "And I… I want to help you too you know, to take care of you too? I feel stronger having your support, I'd do anything to return the favor." Yuri looked me in the eyes with a sad smile.

"You don't want that. You only think that you do. We're just having inconvenient crushes right now. I'm. Different, broken?... I'm not good for you in the long run, I'm sure of it. You'll see." I can't believe my ears. I don't believe her.

Sternly staring into her eyes I tried to set things straight. "Yuri. You're wrong. I do want to help. And so what if they're stupid crushes, we're feeling them right? So why not, you know, see what happens. I'm not saying we start dating or anything but. You want to help me, I want to help you, let's see where this goes. You're a really nice person and a great friend. I refuse to believe you're bad for me."

Please.  
Come on, Yuri.

Something shifted in her gaze, I could see the wheels turning like she was considering things and I could tell that she wasn't going to come to a conclusion any time soon.

"Let's just get to class and keep things moving for now. You know you like the idea of having me in your corner, let's see what happens?" Her expression turned a bit more genuine as she nodded. Maybe I can help her. I hope I can. I don't like how she talks about herself.

We turned down the hallway and started to walk. Funnily enough I didn't notice we were still holding hands until we reached her class. I couldn't help but feel embarrassed as I waved her off and started quickly pacing to my own class. It's not a big deal if I'm late.

Did any of this even actually happen?  
Today feels like a dream.  
A messy, messy dream.  
My arm actually does feel a lot better.

I raised my right arm up with almost total ease and touched my forehead where Yuri planted her kiss.

This wasn't a dream.  
I'm so glad today wasn't a dream.  
I can't believe it though.  
I feel so lucky, and like I could take on the world!  
Hell yeah!  
You just wait Yuri!  
I'll show you!  
I'm in this as deep as you'll let me be!

Lost in thought, I nearly walked right passed my classroom and I couldn't help but walk in with a cocky smile and what I know must be a red blur on my face because this lucky girl just spent lunch with a cutie! Suck on that, Math!

I'll make her see what I see in her.  
No matter how hard it gets.  
She deserves so much.  
God, I'm thankful for today.


	7. Chapter 7

Fog and the Flame - Ch 7

Tapping my pen I glance over to the girls as they finished sharing their poems. Club was winding down and tonight was all planned out. Once they're satisfied we should be packing up and heading out together to start our weekend off right, with a sleepover at Monika's place. She came up with the idea the same day Yuri and I shared our feelings, and thanks to Sayori's enthusiasm the plans sort of rushed through before we knew it. It's no big deal, we do this from time to time anyway. We just usually stay at Sayori's so the change in venue is a little different at least. Papa never minds if I so much as show up on the weekend so it should be nice.

If I didn't know any better I'd admit that I'm looking forward to this, but Monika wouldn't let me hear the end of it. I'm sure she'd start going on and on about how she's pleased the toughest critic she has, hmph, not gonna happen. But still. It'll be nice to relax with everyone again, it's always a huge stress relief for me, and it's just plain fun usually.

And Yuri'll be there.  
It'll probably just be us at some point…  
Since Sayori will probably sneak away to Monika's room.

Okay maybe I'm a little excited to get out of here. It's the first time we've done such a thing with such a… possibility in the air.

Shut up.  
Don't rush anything.  
But… This'll still be pretty fun.

Now I'm just waiting on them. Yuri's sharing her poem with Monika whom has started some in depth analysis that Sayori's attempting to follow. I'm not really interested right now, I'm far too tired after this long week for another lecture. Voluntary or not.

It's been a… funny week. I haven't been able to visit Yuri outside of school at all, either because of tension at home or just things not lining up right. So we haven't really talked much about things. Not that there's anything developing on my end since Papa's been scarce ever since he hurt me. But it was starting to bother me since we haven't talked about her at all since I caught sight of her wounds… It isn't like I can just check her arms every day at lunch, or talk openly about it. It needs to be at her house, or at least private, away from prying ears.

I've been a little wound up about it. The week's been… pleasant, with Yuri doting over me every lunch before I tell her I'm fine, or how we've started holding hands some days. Me eating as she reads one of her books while holding my hand. It's little things, but she keeps letting us do them even after saying she wanted to avoid becoming a couple yet. Something's going on even if neither of us put a name to this yet, and it's actually really nice. But that just makes me worry more about her because I know she's keeping something bound up inside and I want to hear her, I want to help her.

I don't know how.  
I'll try…

I sighed as I fiddled with my bag, filled with clothes and other things I thought I'd like for the night out. I heard shuffling and sure enough everyone seems to be getting ready to go now.

About time.

"Are we finally out of here or what, you slowpokes?" I sound as annoyed as I feel.

"Eh hehe. Sorry Natsuki! I guess I got wrapped up in my little writing tips. It's just that Yuri's poem was really interesting today, I couldn't help myself! I mean, you read it, you know what I mean about the imagery don't you?" Monika called as she quickly readied herself to lead us to her home.

Huffing, I stopped myself as I realized I was almost too dismissive. This was Yuri's poem after all, and it was pretty good, if a bit flowery and vague. "Oh… uh.. Yeah! Of course it was good, but some of us don't want to spend all night at school you know!"

Did she just roll her eyes at me? Rude. "Of course, let's all get out of here then. I'll lead the way." And with that our group finally started for the exit.

Sayori dominated the conversation as we made our way to Monika's place, it seemed like with each step she just got more excited about things or thought of another topic she wanted to ramble on about with us. I'll admit, it was rather cute to see her so enthusiastic about various movies she wanted us to watch or begging Monika or me to play a certain game for her to watch, all while happily holding Monika's hand. She's too much sometimes, but it really brings up the mood that's for sure. Even seeing her clinging onto Monika or leaning in to kiss her cheek after teasing her in some rambling mess of joy was enough to make me smile. It's nice to be with my friends, I wish we did this more often.

Sayori and Monika were leading the way, hand in hand with Sayori tossing affection her way whenever she wanted. I felt a little jealous as I looked over to Yuri walking beside me. We still weren't being openly flirty. Heck, we still aren't considering this anything more than just mutual crushes. I want to do more but Yuri doesn't seem ready. She still seems convinced this is just silly feelings and that she's not worth it. I hate it. I'll wait for her, but I hate the reason.

Yuri seems pleased to be out with us at least. She's indulging some of Sayori's topics and it seems like she's in a good mood. She's so beautiful, I'm happy to see her smiling.

"I'm just surprised you wanted to do this at your place this time!" Sayori exclaimed, excitedly tugging on Monika's arm. Looked like she nearly tugged her off her feet.

"Well I would have been fine with another sleepover at your house but you still haven't cleaned up after the last one. No matter how often I remind you." Monika shook her head before giving Sayori a peck on the cheek.

"H-hey! It's just.. Hard sometimes you know? I'd have cleaned up for a sleepover…" Sayori huffed making it a little hard to tell if she was hurt or just teasing to be honest.

"I know it's tough, but we have to stay on top of things as best we can, right? So we'll have fun tonight at my place and then tomorrow I'm coming over to help you clean up for the next one, okay?" Sayori pouted in response but she seemed a little relieved to have the help. The two of them work so well together. Monika's always on top of everything and keeping an eye on Sayori. It seems like she knows when something wrong or falling behind far before Sayori herself notices, and she's always trying to help Sayori stay in control of things, or offering help when Sayori seems overwhelmed. Sayori's always there when Monika lets all her thinking get herself in a mess, too. Always there to calm her or distract her or remind her that she doesn't have to let everything stress her out at once.

Heh. Monika is so anal about everything that she's able to help keep Sayori on track, and Sayori's such a bubbly airhead that she's able to ease Monika's obsessive tendency to do everything at once. They're sweet to each other, too. I want that.

I shook my head and glanced up ahead. We're coming up on Monika's house and I'm not about to start building some stupid jealousy over my friend's relationship. It's theirs.

Monika unlocked the door and swung it open with a flourish and we all made our way inside, quickly finding comfortable places to relax in the living room as she tossed her stuff aside and came to help get things moving. I took my place on the couch and couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief. It really did feel nice to finally relax, this week's been far too long on me. Sayori started digging through the movies and games in front of the tv, clearly feeling comfortable in her girlfriend's home. Or maybe she'd be just as nosy regardless, it's hard to say.

Looking back to the door I saw Yuri sitting her bag on a far table and pulling out a book before making her way through Sayori's growing mess of entertainment media and settling into a loveseat at the end of my couch.

Hey, she could read by me if she wanted.  
Oh relax, she always takes a seat out of the way.  
...But still.

Mild irritation aside, things weren't even set up yet but everyone was seemingly falling right into place. It really was easy for us to take the stresses of school and all our other problems and check them at the door when we got to spend time together. Well, either that or hashing it out and ranting about the more benign stresses of class, overbearing parents, or countless flirts at school. Regardless of how we handled things it always felt safe when we locked the door and just spent time together. It did mean we could ignore things for a little while but it didn't coax out every secret...

I'm such a coward.

I still remember when Sayori revealed her depression. It… wasn't as pretty as I think she would have liked it to have been, but she was so brave in that moment.

We were having a sleepover at her place and she decided to make us a treat while we watched a movie she had already seen countless times. I can't even remember what it was. I just remember Sayori sitting down with us and laughing at a joke here and there before apparently falling completely into it. I remember hearing a gasp as she jumped off the couch and made her way into the kitchen. The sound of metal hitting the tile floor and the smoke alarm roaring to life.

I remember all of us huddled around as Sayori completely broke down before our eyes. Monika trying to help her off the floor while Yuri cleaned up the toppled brownie pan, all while Sayori just stared at the tiles. Within a moment Yuri had the smoke under control and the mess mostly taken care of. With the alarm quieted Monika just kept repeating that it wasn't a big deal. I said something about us all getting caught up in the movie. I didn't know what to say, but Sayori just started crying. It was no big deal, but it was a final straw to her. She started apologizing again and again for burning the brownies and once Monika finally got it through to her that we didn't care about that she started going further.

She apologized for so many things I can't remember them all.

For not cleaning up before the sleepover.

For annoying us every day.

For spoiling our fun.

For ruining our club.

For wasting our time.

For existing.

Yuri and I were speechless, but Monika kept telling Sayori to stop, again and again.

Eventually Sayori ran out of apologies and fell silent. Monika held her tightly on the floor beside that damned oven. Yuri had resorted to staring at the stove. I felt disgusted in myself for not knowing how to respond. I just stood in the kitchen doorway. Waiting.

After a painful silence Sayori let out a pitiful laugh and finally got herself up as she apologized for that 'little outburst'. She said she was fine and that we should probably go, but Monika started asking questions.

She always was one to take charge.

Monika wasn't having any of it. She grabbed Sayori by the shoulders and asked her to look her in the eyes.

I looked away.

Monika asked what was really wrong. I didn't know if I wanted to hear this. I remember playing with the idea that she just really wanted this to be a fun evening for us. Maybe it really was the loss of our sweets that upset her, she's a silly girl, it could be that simple.

Stupid then, stupid now.

After Sayori finally told us I felt even more lost. Yuri sprung up next to Monika and started listing effects of depression and how it wasn't Sayori's fault and going on and on about how she could get help managing it or medication, but I was helpless. Sayori looked unconvinced and like she just wanted us to go away, but she didn't interrupt.

Monika did.

She sounded so stern. She just said that we were staying the night and taking care of her because we wanted to and that was it. I wasn't about to argue, and she was right. I might not have known what to do, but I didn't want Sayori alone.

We went to bed soon after that. Monika said she'd check on Sayori throughout the night because she felt worried and I'm sure she did. The next day Yuri and I left and the next thing we heard was that Monika had convinced Sayori to seek professional help.

We were so proud of her.  
And look at her now.  
She's so much stronger and genuine now.  
And she doesn't hide when she feels less so.  
I was worthless.  
Sayori didn't plan on sharing that night…  
But she still did.  
She still told us.  
And I can't.  
I don't want to break down in order to tell my friends.  
I don't want them to ever see me so… weak.

Sayori wasn't weak.

We all knew Monika had overbearing parents who were forcing her to try clubs up until she told them she'd make her own and spent her entire life piling expectations on her until she'd cracked. Multiple times.

Monika's homelife was better now, but only because her parents practically leapt at the opportunity to go to their vacation home when Monika turned eighteen.

The way she described it they jumped at the chance as if they'd earned a year off for creating such a high-strung mess of a daughter.

I never noticed before she admitted it, but Monika is prone to anxiety attacks. Years of scolding and punishment for anything other than perfection left her shaken at the idea of being anything but. It became who she was, and hearing that wasn't easy. To hear that she feels like she has become her flaws. And she told us that outright and as a matter-of-fact while we all lounged on her couch one day. She said we should know since we were her closest friends. I still remember questioning that fact because of her popularity instead of mentioning any of the heavy content she had just revealed.

Inconsiderate idiot.

She said she takes charge because she's supposed to. Everything about how she conducts herself is because she's supposed to, anything less than that is unacceptable.

Monika said she takes charge no matter what. She's does it again and again and again and again until it breaks her and she rushes off to a private place to 'collect herself', or to be more blunt, suffer an attack. All her life the rule has been that she's perfect or she's nothing, so she has to be perfect. She fears failure more than death and it builds and piles stress on herself until she cracks, which she said she did often.

True to form, our little group did what we could to help her. Sayori encouraged Yuri's idea of professional help and Monika learned how to better manage her stress. I didn't know how to help. I didn't help Sayori or Monika when they came clean to us about their problems. I just froze all the same. Brave Natuski, stiff as a board and just as useful when things get real.

I always thought the biggest help was Sayori herself, always pulling Monika back when she tried to step up too often or reminding her that she's wonderful in every way to her so why worry about perfection.

It's cheesy, but you can see the relief in Monika's face when Sayori does those things.

Little reminders can be important.

I respect Monika so much for all she's accomplished but…  
Sometimes I worry that I shouldn't because of how much she's suffered to get through it.  
As in she shouldn't have had to do half the things she's done.  
It was practically killing her.  
… In the end I respect what she's accomplished and how she's trying to live life now.  
In the moment, with someone she cares about, going with the flow.  
She's already so talented, she doesn't need to be perfect.  
She's better off now.

I had thought that Yuri had also shared her story with us all but I was wrong. Or maybe it was just part of the story…

Yuri said she felt left out of activities, not so much in our group although… yeah, but everywhere. She said she's quiet because no one cares about what she has to say, but getting her to expand on that was hard.

We started sharing poems because of that so that she would have an outlet with the group; An excuse to talk or take center stage with us paying full attention. She seemed much happier after that, but what I saw at her house…

If it helped it didn't help enough…

And my story is hardly known. The most I've done when prodded was say that Papa was overbearing like Monika's but that I taught him who was boss when I started failing all my classes. It got a laugh and a pat on the back along with a few well wishes that I keep him off my case. They don't know anything.

They should.  
Coward.

"Natsuki are you going to grab this plate or not?" Monika said, holding a plate of spaghetti my way.

Blinking rapidly to get the fog out of my eyes I nodded and grabbed the plate with a smile.

"Jeez, Sayori, you must have picked a good movie because Natsuki's more invested than I've seen her before." She said as she came around the couch and sat next to her girlfriend, handing another plate over in the process.

They just don't know anything.  
And it's my fault for being too scared to tell them.

I let out a sigh as I started eating, tuning out the lovers as I did. Monika's cooking was always a treat. That's likely because of her time in not one but two different cooking clubs in the past, so it's no wonder this meal had freshly made garlic bread and a fantastic sauce. I really wish we visited her house more often if only for the food, but Sayori always volunteers so what are we going to do. This was delicious, and while I've been dwelling on sad memories and my own shortcomings, this was admittedly helping my mood. At least a little bit. In one motion I ran my last piece of garlic bread along my plate to clean it and popped it in my mouth. Very satisfying, but I don't feel like getting up for seconds just yet.

Looking back up to the screen I realized that this entire time I hadn't really let myself grasp what was happening in this movie once. All my distracting memories or Monika's cooking had left my eyes glazed over I guess. It looks like Sayori picked some animated comedy I didn't recognize, not that it matters. Glancing around the room I caught up with how everyone was doing since I zoned out into my own little world.

Yuri's reading the book I saw her with earlier, or maybe it's a different one now? She doesn't seem interested in the movie, or that's what I would think if she didn't laugh just then along with the other girls.

I guess she's listening in.

She seems content but I don't understand how when the lights are off and the only light she could be reading by would be the television or the small amount coming from the kitchen.

Why is she so ridiculous?  
I swear, just watch the movie!  
What is it with books anyway.  
I love manga, but I don't go obsessively diving in all the time.  
...just.  
Most of the time, I guess.  
That's different, I take breaks, she doesn't!  
Then again I get forced into most of my breaks since I can't take my manga home…  
Or read them in public without people talking about it…

Do people talk about her for reading?

I just did, more or less…

I felt my face scowl as I took a breath to break from my head. It's for the best that she doesn't want to rush into a relationship. I'm no better than the judgy jerks out there.

Sure I am.  
Besides, she thinks she's unfit too.  
Maybe we're both wrong and it will be okay?

Rolling my eyes at my own twisted optimism I looked over to Sayori and Monika. I had wondered how the two of them sat on the same couch as me and yet I had so much room but that mystery was solved quickly enough. At some point, maybe immediately even, Sayori had adjusted to sitting on Monika's lap and the two of them had their plates balanced- rather precariously- on Sayori's lap. Another mystery immediately solved was how Monika was eating, as Sayori twisted up a forkful and held it awkwardly over her shoulder for Monika to eat in the silliest and least majestic way imaginable as she struggled to stretch up to the utensil.

I covered my mouth as I watched so I could avoid breaking out into a giggle fit at the sight, but holy cow was that a challenge! It was adorable, yes, but seeing Monika straining to stretch up to Sayori's shoulder level for each bite was just too much! And I thought the plates were precarious as is, but add on the awkward movements both of them keep doing for this little affection and it's no wonder they aren't covered in sauce and pasta by now!

I felt myself giving in to the humor and quickly stood up with a cough to hide it.

"Oh-uh, jus- just going to get some more!" I said, and immediately questioned why I felt the need to say anything.

Monika, bless her heart, attempted to respond with her mouthful of riskily attained food but Sayori thankfully interrupted her for a more clear answer of "Sure thing, go ahead!" as she giggled at Monika. It really seems like Monika gets quite a bit more laid back when she's around Sayori, but with how sweet and silly those two are being I just need to get away before I laugh my ass off and embarrass them.

I let out the breath I had apparently held as I rounded the corner into the kitchen and felt myself smile genuinely as I collected myself. I really am thankful for these dorks. Without even knowing it they help cheer me up so often.

Smile still holding strong, I went to the stove and began to load my plate back up with some of Monika's cooking. I turned towards the living room and weighed my options.

Go in there and struggle to eat while those two lovebirds go at it?  
Or hide away in here at least so I can finish this?

It was hardly a question, as I pulled up a stool and started eating at the counter. I might love my friends, but I'm hungry, and I can't count on zoning out to distract me from those two clowns. Although just thinking of that makes me chuckle as I bit into another piece of bread.

Before I could really start to enjoy my private meal I heard footsteps entering the kitchen. Acting nonchalant so whomever it is doesn't question why I'm hiding away, I turned to see Yuri holding her dirtied dish and offering a small smile.

"I wasn't sure where you disappeared to." she offered as she made her way to the sink and began idly cleaning her dish.

"Oh, heh, it was just a bit cramped in there is all. I thought the two lovers would like the couch to themselves for a moment." Things went quiet as Yuri cleaned her plate and leaned on the counter next to me, clearly lost in thought.

"Natsuki, I… I know this isn't the time but I wanted to thank you for this week. We haven't shared too much… or found time to be alone that often… but, every day I find it easier to let go of all the tension I build up hiding who I am when I'm with you. Which is silly… I haven't really shared much with you, but that can change! I think I can talk about my worries with you, I want to." she shook her head. "Oh come on, Yuri, get it together. That's not what I wanted to say. I keep fumbling my words even in my own head and I don't know how to get this out."

I laid down my fork and put my hand on her arm to get her attention, "Just spit it out, you're worrying too much. You can say what you want around me, and if anyone should be thanking anyone it's me." I couldn't help but smile as I turned to lean on the counter to match Yuri. "You've had a million reasons to push me away at this point but you've just… stayed. I know I struggle to talk about things, and you do too, and that's okay. But I feel better when I'm around you too. I thought you'd kick me to the curb after I, er, found out about…" I clumsily gestured to her arm and immediately felt ashamed for how I'm treating her serious problem. "O-or maybe when I brought attention to our crushes because I was so ready to just rush headfirst into a relationship right then! Thank you for letting us stay friends after all this, at the very least."

"N-no!" Yuri tensed up and redoubled her effort to speak steadily, "It's. I. It's about that. All of it, but mostly us being… friends."

"Yuri, please tell me this isn't."

"Let me collect myself. Please." I can't help but worry, my hearts dropping into my stomach and this sounds like it's either exciting or terrible.

It has to be exciting right?  
But why am I so scared?

"Yuri, just let me talk for a moment. It's about the both of us, and I'll listen to you all day if that's what you want, but I have questions and maybe we can talk this out."

Yuri closed her eyes and took a breath, maybe I annoyed her, but she just nodded for me to continue.

I continued in a hushed tone, "Look, I'm alright with taking things slow, or waiting until you're ready, but… I want to know if I even have a chance here or if you're just being nice." I turned my gaze to the kitchen entry. It was hard enough admitting any of these fears but I couldn't handle our friends hearing me pour this out right now. "I don't get crushes that often, for all I know you felt this and immediately saw through it. I need to know if you're already convinced there's nothing here, because I really want to try this and if there's no chance of that… I think I'd like to know that instead of waiting because you're too nice to drop me." I swallowed my dread and waited on her to say something.

Please be wrong.

With my heart sufficiently sinking from my own words, I starred almost longingly at the exit hoping everything will be okay. That by bringing this up I didn't ruin things.

"It's not that-" I felt a wave of relief, "I've been thinking about us a lot lately… And I have to admit I keep asking why we shouldn't be together as anything more than friends. There…. are a lot of reasons why." She sighed as I turned to focus on her.

"Like what?" I asked. There couldn't really be, could there?

"I… don't know if we should talk about all of that now. But to put it simply, I don't feel like I'm good enough for you. I know I told you. I know what you'll say, and I appreciate it, but I just wanted to wait in the hopes of somehow becoming better. I thought maybe if I tried hard enough I could just become good enough. I hate what I am, Natsuki. I hate that I hide from everything because I don't fit in. I hate that people compliment me for being smart when all that really is is a side effect of me burying myself in books to forget about life for a little while. I hate that I have to listen to everyone talk behind my back and pretend like I'm oblivious. I'm a coward. I don't fit in anywhere and I'm too scared to try." She's shaking. I can't stand watching her berate herself like this.

"Yuri…"

"I-I'm fine. I'm being overly dramatic, as usual. I, I have the club. And friends like you. It's just… been like this for a long time. And the club only happened recently. I've been alone for a long time. Just my books to distract me. I'm rambling."

"It's okay, Yuri. I'm always willing to listen." I think that was okay to say, I don't want her to feel alone.

"Thank you. Maybe we can talk more about my problems some other time, preferably not in our friend's home. But thank you for listening. I got lost for a moment, so here's what I meant to say. I wanted to wait, but I've been thinking about it a lot this week."

"Are you trying to say?" I began. Yuri ignored me as she continued.

"I've been watching Sayori and Monika a lot more than usual this past week. The two of them were always great friends; Sayori has always been a relief for Monika's stress and Monika has always had an almost motherly approach to taking care of her club members. They were fine as friends, but they decided to become more. We all know what they go through, and yet they didn't wait until everything was fixed and perfect to get together."

"Yuri."

"I'm almost finished, just wait. Watching the two of them tonight made me… jealous. They had support as friends, but they have so much more now. I… want that. But I don't ever want to burden someone else with my problems. It's all unfair. But…"

"Yuri!"

"What?" she replied as she turned to face me.

No guts no glory.

I grabbed Yuri's arm and pulled her down as best I could as I stood up on the tips of my toes, jeez this isn't fluent at all. I caught only a glimpse of the utter shock on her face before I went for the kill and kissed her as hard as I could. I felt my whole body tense up as I strained to stay in charge of this moment. I'm done with these excuses. I loosened my grip on her arm and reached around to hold her tight as I continued my clumsy kiss. I felt Yuri happily sigh as she eased into it all, parting her lips and lowering herself just slightly so our kiss could work out a bit better, much to my relief.

I gently traced along her back as I began to ease off of her only to feel her push back into it. Her soft lips refusing to part with mine as her breath ran hot against my cheek. I felt my body lose it's stiff tension as I instead began to shake from the excitement as the entire energy of this took over. I want more. I want to taste her kisses, but I needed to tell her outright what I wanted.

I gently pushed into our kiss before pulling away only to see Yuri's serene expression as she began to breath heavily. I let go of the embrace and trailed my hands down to her own, holding them tightly, admittedly more for my sake than anything as I had hoped I could disguise how hard I was shaking.

Oh my god.  
I'm shaking like a leaf.  
I'm shaking so hard I can't think.  
That was so much more than the last kiss.  
Oh my fucking god.  
Wait, speak, talk you idiot.

"Uh, heh, heh, pff, hahaha, I feel ridiculous, I can't stop shaking, I thought I could play it cool so badly, I was so sure I could. But look at me oh my god."

NOT THAT YOU IDIOT.

"I mean, I mean, I, uhm. Yuri."

COLLECT YOURSELF, DAMMIT.

I cleared my throat before trying again, "I, heh, Yuri, since I interrupted you I guess I'll ask. Do you want to be my girlfriend? I was willing to wait, and I still am if you don't want to rush this along but I want nothing more than to at least try, you know?" I still felt so giddy and the shaking wasn't going away at all, I must look so silly right now but I can't stop smiling. Yuri looks incredible, her face is as red as mine and while I've held her hands she's returned my tight grip tenfold as if I'd fly away if she let go. I could stare at her all day, she looks so surprised and utterly beautiful. Just watching her eyes as they trace all across my face; Like two amethyst focused intently on me. Gosh, I'm ridiculous, but I feel on top of the world right now.

"Nat… Natsuki, I, can we? I think I'd like to try, yes. Yes I'd like that." I didn't think her face could go any more red but saying that did just the thing.

"Yes! Hell yes!" I shouted as I pulled her hands to my sides and stood up for another kiss.

I couldn't possibly be any happier.  
Girlfriends!  
It's what we are now.  
I can't believe this.  
I've never felt so much before and I don't care about anything else.

Just as I heard Yuri happily hum in response, I tried my luck at pushing for a deeper kiss only to hear footsteps behind me again.

"Oh my! I didn't mean to interrupt, I was wondering what that noise was...I'll step out until you two finish." I pulled back as I saw Monika holding dirtied dishes and an almost gleeful expression which she was unsuccessfully trying to hide behind my free hand.

"Moni? What's going on in there?" Came Sayori's voice before she poked her head around the corner and quickly gathered what was happening as Yuri and I were still entangled even if our kiss was cut short. "Y-y-you two! Oh my gosh! That's so cute! I can't believe it! Who would have thought our little club would become so lovey dovey, you two look so sweet together oh my gosh! I never would have thought!" Sayori began to practically sing her joy as she bound up toward us before Monika quickly grabbed her collar and tugged her back.

Wait, I've got this.

"You better believe it!" I shouted as I pulled Yuri into a hug, she's so surprised by all of this that she's practically glowing red. "Yuri's my new girlfriend and I love her a whole lot, so get used to not being the only couple around!" I have such a wide grin on my face, my lord.

Sayori beamed as she began tossing questions our way but Monika quickly took control of the situation.

"Eh, hehe, I'll just leave these dishes on the counter. I think Sayori and I will be going to bed a little early tonight if you two don't mind. I'm so happy for you two but I don't think you want us poking in on your business just yet. We'll leave you be down here, Sayori and I will go ahead. Feel free to use the tv for whatever you please. And, truly, congrats! You two really are cute together~" Monika chuckled as she finished her statement and returned to pulling a still enthusiastic Sayori away.

"I'm not cute!" I called as they headed upstairs, which just received a giggle from the two in response. I'm in too much of a good mood to get irritated right now, it's fine.

I'm thankful Monika was there because I didn't consider how Sayori would react to that.  
I'm glad we have such great friends.

"So, Yuri, heh, did I maybe embarrass you enough to change your mind about things?" I rubbed the back of my head as I threw a playful wink her way.

Yuri only laughed as she covered her mouth and grabbed my hand leading us to the living room.

"Love, you say?" she teased as she pulled me onto the couch, now covered in blankets and pillows that I suppose Monika brought out for the evening.

"Oh my god I said love. I was caught up in the moment, I'm sorry I just pushed this relationship to its limits seconds into it." I feel like a total fool.

"Mmmm~ maybe you're a little quick, but I think I liked the sound of it. You're cute when you're flustered though~" I'm going to scream, Yuri is teasing me and I'm going to scream.

"Y-yuri! You know I don't like being called that!" I protested.

"I'm not allowed to call my girlfriend cute?" She asked as she adjusted the bedding so the two of us could lay comfortably together.

Struggling to avoid pouting so openly I tried to explain, "W-well. Maybe you can say it. But don't go saying it too often, especially in front of others. Cute isn't… a nice word when others use it. They mean weak or little when they say cute. I don't like being weak or little."

Yuri frowned as she finished setting up our bed and pulled me into a hug before toppling over so we lay in our embrace, "I don't ever mean those things about you, Natsuki. If you don't like it I won't say it." I could die happy like this, she's so warm and even though we're laying on a couch, I feel like I'm in heaven.

"No… I think I like it when you say it. My heart won't stop telling me that right now."

"You're so cute, Natsuki~"

"Hush, Yuri~"

With that Yuri pulled the blanket over us and cuddled her way against me as I rested my head against her chest. I felt safe here, and she might not have said it, but I sure felt loved right now.


	8. Chapter 8

Fog and the Flame - Ch 8

A loud and annoyed groan filled my room as my phone began to ring. It's just after midnight, there is no reason for anyone to wake me up now and I am furious, or I would be if I wasn't borderline dead to the world from exhaustion.

I let out a sigh as I reached over and answered the phone to silence the noise.

Another deep breath and I was ready to actually hear who's on the other side.

"Hello?" I'll admit I actually tried to make my voice sound more hoarse and exhausted than I felt just to rub it in to whoever woke me up.

"I-I'm sorry, Natsuki? I just…" It's Yuri? And she sounds scared?

"Yuri, what's going on?" I tossed my act aside because she had me worried with her tone. Things went silent and my heart started to race.

"Yuri?" My ear hurt as I pressed my phone harder against my face, but I could still hear her there. Shuffling. Breathing.

I heard a deep inhale before Yuri's voice came back, rather deadpan in delivery "I am worried about where I am at mentally right now and would like some company so I don't do anything… bad. If you could please come over, I… I think I would really like that right now." her voice only eased from its self imposed tone as she finished.

"I'll be right over, just… go put some tea on for us, how about that? I'm on my way." It was quiet for a moment before she responded.

"Okay, Nat, thank you."

With that we hung up and I continued to sit up in bed staring into the darkness. Not because I wanted to take my time, but because my heart was racing so hard that I was feeling lightheaded and I had to let this sit for a moment.

She's never done this before.  
She's worried she'll cut.  
She hasn't yet.  
She hasn't, I can help.  
How?  
How?  
How do I help?  
Get up, just get the hell up.

I could feel a cold sweat starting as I swung my blanket off and quickly got myself dressed. I grabbed my school bag just in case and started looking frantically around my room as if I'd see some magic item I should bring that will help make things okay, but there was nothing.

Quietly, I made my way to the front door, put on my shoes and found myself staring at my phone wondering if I messed up in not keeping her on the line. There's no time. I rushed out the door, giving it a tug behind me as I began to run across my lawn and started down the sidewalk.

It's pitch black. Barely a star in the sky and if it wasn't for the streetlights I'd get lost immediately in this state of mind, everything's already a blur from my anxiety, the darkness isn't helping at all. Just following the lights. Running down the sidewalk, stick to the sidewalk when I can. Sprint across the street, feel my heart jump when I hear a horn as I nearly get hit, try to breath. Jerk had his lights off, or did he? My legs are giving it their all while I held my bag tight so it wouldn't slam my back in and all I can think is that I have to get there.

She's trusting me.  
I have to.

I don't know how long it took me to run to Yuri's place. She lived twenty minutes away, but I feel like I just left my front porch. I just felt myself gasping for air as I pressed her doorbell and braced against the door frame.

Please be in time, please.  
I tried my best, just let me be here in time.  
Even if I'm late… let me help.  
Please.

Luckily it wasn't a long wait before Yuri opened the door, which I quickly plunged through and grabbed a hold of her shoulders, "Are you okay? Did anything happen before I could get here?" I felt my eyes trace along her arm but I dragged my gaze back to her face. I don't want to make her feel worse, she trusted me, I just need to be here for her… But I have to know that I made it.

"Y-yes, I'm fine. I just, I'm sorry I woke you for this. I just don't feel comfortable by myself right now. I started… thinking and I didn't like where things were going." I'm still winded from my run here but I felt a wave of relief as I loosened my grip on her shoulders. "I, I made tea like you recommended, if you'd like some?"

Even though I'd relaxed my hold on her, Yuri still struggled to gesture over to the living room which left me feeling embarrassed as I quickly let go.

Way to go overreacting.  
You're acting ridiculous.  
Disrespectful even…

I let out a sigh as things started to feel a lot less tense for the moment, "Thank god... Let's do that, tea sounds like a huge stress killer right about now." I rolled my shoulder and tossed my school bag ahead of me onto the couch before taking my seat. It felt like the entire run here hit me at once at the exact moment my rear hit the cushion as my legs felt like they just caught me from a thirty foot drop. Such a sudden jolt for so long really tore into them. I must have made it obvious; Was I sweaty? Because Yuri came over and looked ready to start doting over me again as she gave me a frown.

"Yuri, relax. There's nothing wrong with me; I'm here for you, remember?"

"Eh… right. It's just hard to focus on me right now." She sounds torn up. She really did want me as a distraction.

"Do you want to talk about... About what almost happened?"

I sound stupid, I don't know how to address this at all.  
Is it even smart to focus on that right now?  
Or should I just take her mind off things?  
She did just freak out enough to wake me up in the middle of the night.  
Idiot.  
I should change the subject.

"We could talk about something else if that sounds better, eheh." Zero confidence and zero idea what I'm doing. Way to go.

Yuri sat quietly beside me and furrowed her brow as she mulled over things. I felt antsy enduring the silence and felt grateful for the slight change when Yuri reached toward the living room table and began pouring two cups of tea, gently raising a cup my way which I gratefully accepted.

As I took my first drink I felt my mind ease off of the onslaught of complaints and berating it had prepared for me, all thanks to her delicious brew. It seemed to calm Yuri as well as she exhaled and began to speak again.

"It's not that I don't want to… it's that I've never done this before, with anyone." She took a breath as if to steady herself, "I've never had anyone to listen, and I've certainly never had anyone I trusted to talk about myself without only making them find me disgusting…"

I felt myself glare, "You're not disgusting, stop saying that. No one would find you that way!" I sound upset and I am. Yuri didn't immediately respond, her eyes simply stared ahead; They seemed hollow. I don't think she believed me in the slightest.

"Things are moving too quickly, after what happened at Monika's,"

I felt an uneasy rush as I interrupted, "I didn't mean to say I love you, that didn't come out right at all, I didn't," Yuri waved a hand my way.

"No, not that. I know some people are hasty and I understood what you meant."

"I'm not usually like that though…" I looked down to my tea.

She didn't have to dismiss it so quickly.  
Though… I did the same before her.  
It was such a dumb thing to let come out seconds after we got together.  
Idiot.

"Even so. I meant us becoming a couple, not your phrasing."

"Oh…"

"No, Nat, it's… Complicated. I keep thinking about it. Us being a couple, it's something I've wanted for a little while, but it's just something I don't feel like I deserve yet. You know that, and I'm trying to stop thinking like that, but it's hard. Sometimes knowing we're together makes me so happy, but other times, like tonight, I just can't shake the feeling I never deserved this. That it might be too early, or something I shouldn't have. I tell myself that's wrong, and fighting it with more positive thoughts is… better than just ruminating on things. But it brings back the same old feelings and self doubt." She sighed. "When I question us it makes me fall back into all my old worries, so tonight I hoped you'd come and keep me company so I don't have to fight the way I've grown accustomed."

Everything feels heavy, and when I tried to catch Yuri's eye I noticed she's still holding that hollow look as she stares down into her tea. I reached over and squeezed her free hand in my own before saying "I'm here for you, Yuri. I… I want to help any way I can, I just, don't think I really know how. But I'm here for you no matter what." I fell into a scowl as my own worries began to take over.

I really still don't know how to best help.  
I've read so much and I still don't know.  
I'm fucking incompetent.

We sat in silence a little longer as the both of us quietly enjoyed our drinks. I only drank half of my tea before I started finding more comfort in the warmth of the cup instead, staring into it as I tried desperately to find the right words to make things better. Any words, really.

"I've been alone for a long time, Natsuki." I looked back to Yuri whom gave me a sad smile before turning her gaze towards the table in front of us. "Maybe that's not entirely accurate, but it is where it counts. I've never had close friends. I've barely had acquaintances throughout school, and certainly none outside of that. My first sleepover was with everyone in the literature club, as a matter of fact. My parents are distant. They've always been there for me, in there own way, but that only meant financially to be honest. They supported my interest in books. They've helped me get this apartment despite my part time job only paying enough for food. I know they aren't rich by any means, and yet they've always made sure I'm content and secure in ways that feel wildly out of our reach. But... we don't talk. Not seriously at least. Everything is waved aside or it's something you should figure out on your own. I gave up after a while."

People avoid her even at home?

Yuri began to pour another cup of tea for herself as she continued, "They aren't bad people, by any means. But they don't talk about their feelings or fears or much of anything beyond the superficial with anyone. It's just how our entire family handles things. So when I started to feel left out at school, it wasn't a big deal to them. When I started to realize I was left out at home, it was 'just in my head'." Yuri's voice tinged as if impersonating someone else "Oh don't be silly, we spend plenty of time together. We went out to buy those oh so important books for you and what about the camping trip last year?" She laughed but I could practically feel the tears building as she did. "Of course, a trip where I sat at the fire pit all day for three days while father fished since they forgot my rod because 'you don't even like fishing'."

I could hear her voice waver as she said that, and within the moment she wiped her eyes and did her best to clear her throat.

"I'm sorry, I'm being ridiculous and spiteful over something that's completely irrelevant. That's years past and hardly important anymore. I just meant, I've always been alone where it counts. No close friends, no close relationships of any kind, and home is… supportive, but deafening."

She gave me another sad smile which I returned as best I could.

Yuri…

"I've never really had anything like the club before; A group of people who seem to actually care, or show interest in my interests or writing. I'm rambling."

"No, you're not." I said rather sternly. "Let it out, I can at least listen."

Since I don't know what else to do.

Yuri took a deep breath and I heard it shake as she exhaled.

"Most people are kind; Interactions are rarely upsetting or laced with insults; But even less often does anyone engage or show interest in anything I enjoy. People put up with me. That's about it. Sometimes they insult me and yes that hurts, but more often they do and say nothing to me at all, and after a while that hurt even more." I reached behind and gently rubbed her back as she spoke.

I'd like to see someone try to talk about my girlfriend while I'm nearby.  
Assholes.

"The club has been good for me. I'm just not used to having others pay me any mind. The way you all delve into my poems, or express interest in my reading, or when Monika asks for tips on aroma therapy. I'm not used to people finding anything about me anything more than strange or pointless. I've gone my entire life being offered face value relationships that refuse to dive any deeper because the other person doesn't like what they see in me. I've gone all this time with family that won't speak to me about my interests. I've just… I haven't felt wanted by any group before, whether we're talking about my classmates, or my family. I've just felt unwanted and different up until I found myself in our club." A moment of quiet as Yuri took another sip of her tea and let out a sigh.

She chuckled, this time more sincerely which lead to me leaning forward to get a better view of her face.

"I'm sorry to change the subject, but did you know that in a younger grade I was asked to 'Tone it down' by the teacher during show and tell? We were so young, and that summer I had found some old horror films in my attic. They were the first I had ever seen; Prior to that the closest to horror I had come were some scary stories from a book my cousin owned, and those were geared heavily towards children. Those were scary to me as well, but these films were the real thing." She giggled again. "I remember finding them so utterly enthralling, despite my newfound desire for a hallway light in the night afterwards. So during show and tell I brought them in. Just a handful of VHS tapes and a fold-out poster that came with one of the tapes. I propped them up in front of the class and as I began unfolding the poster one of my classmates shrieked at the sight! It was just a graveyard of sorts with a monster crawling from their grave, but it must have been too much for them. The second they shouted the teacher rushed up and folded the poster back up before dragging me out of the room to talk."

Yuri let out a sigh, "I was terrified at first as she dragged me out, but after a few words she made it clear that I wasn't in trouble. Not seriously at least. I think she spoke to my parents on the phone afterwards, though I never heard anything from them. That memory is bittersweet to me, to be honest. I loved those movies, not that I could even recall them in detail today. And I still think the talk I had with my teacher was amusing, telling a child to tone it down for enjoying a genre, but it also reminds me of when others started distancing themselves from me in class. Sure, as we grew others became interested in horror themes, but I was marked as the girl who got interested too early on. As a creepy, or weird kid not worth anything more than sharing a few words or doing a group project with."

We sat for a moment more, enjoying our tea.

"I still think it's funny that I made someone scream with an old movie poster." I couldn't help but smile as a giggle escaped me as well.

"Hey! Not everyone is into horror, especially not at that age!"

"I suppose that's true, but it was incredibly tame. As I recall it was barely more engaging than a Goosebumps cover."

"Rated R Goosebumps, huh?"

We locked eyes for a moment and were suddenly swept up in the moment as we both burst out into a short fit of laughter. Something about the change in subject or the comparison just tickled us both in the moment, and god knows we both needed it. It's still too early for the sun to rise, but clearly we're into the next day by now. We're both exhausted and mentally out of it, and I think we just needed a moment to breath.

As our laughter subsided Yuri glanced over to the clock before giving me a concerned look, "Are you sure it's okay that I woke you at such an hour?"

I couldn't help but roll my eyes as I put my hand back on her own, "It's fine, I promise." She didn't look entirely convinced, but she welcomed my hand nonetheless.

And so we sat, holding hands and letting time pass. No light came in through the window at this hour, and the room was barely lit as light poured in from the kitchen. Things were still, just the ticking of the clock and our breathing. Sometimes Yuri would reach for her tea, the soft chime of her cup rising and later falling back to the table.

She must be exhausted.  
Has she been up all night?  
Probably.  
She must need the caffeine, but it can't keep her going for long.  
I… think this has been good for her.  
We laughed, right?  
Why am I so stupid.  
The only right thing I know how to do is listen, I don't know what to say.

I felt Yuri's hand squeeze my own as she sat her cup down yet again, followed by a nervous cough.

"I don't know exactly why I started, you know. There wasn't a single instance that pushed me over or anything like that. But one day, I simply felt overwhelmed. No one cared. No one wanted to care, and I just felt… boring, disturbing, uninteresting… So many things, and none of them pleasant."

"Yuri…"

"I wanted to stop being me; To fight away whomever I was. I'm not stupid. I knew a bit about self harm even back then. But I felt tense and on edge. I remember shutting myself away in my room, my knees to my chest as I dug my nails into my forearm in an attempt to quell my urge to scream out my frustrations. I felt terrible and I wanted to hide it away. I didn't want to face the questions mother might ask."

I don't know what to say.

"It hurt, of course it did, but it kept me from shouting my frustrations. By the time I broke the skin just slightly I felt a lot calmer. It was as if I had released every ounce of my anger and sorrow, if only for a moment." Yuri began to rub her forearm, she doesn't seem comfortable. Without giving it a second thought I wrapped my arm around hers and leaned in closer.

Her breathing sounded shallow, she really is nervous. I pulled her hand into the air and gave her knuckle a soft kiss. I don't know where that came from, but I just want to give her so much right now.

A deep breath later, Yuri continued, "I knew that it wasn't healthy. But the immediate relief… I needed it. At least at the time. I remember thinking a lot about it over the following days. Just telling myself how stupid I was being. How disgusting an action it was to take, and how much better I felt after I was finished. I stopped caring. I was already an outsider, so what if I added to the list of things I do that are wrong. I went to a shop and bought myself a knife and sharpener after school, I knew that I didn't want to use the same utensils as we used for cooking. Call me silly, but I worried I'd get sick from some infection regardless of how well I cleaned them. Not to mention, I feared someone might notice if a blade or two went missing for a while."

I began to trace along her arm, drawing shapes similar to the ones she traced into my shoulder all that time ago. I could feel a pit growing as I listened. I should have known, I mean I did know most of this. Just not… exactly. And hearing it… I hate that she's been through any of this. I hate knowing this, but I have since way before this moment…

Why does it hurt now?

"I remember sitting in my room with my new blade, specifically for my use. I sat there asking myself why I felt okay with this, or if I even did, but in the end it didn't matter. Another stressful day and I gave it a try. It relieved my stress and frustration again, even easier this time. Something about the sharp, quick sting helped more than digging my nails had." Yuri reached over and found my hand tracing along her arm before gripping it tightly.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm like this. I've been weak so many times and it's all on my own head, yet here I am painting a less and less tasteful image of myself." I squeezed her hand even tighter.

Hell no!

"Yuri, you've…"

You've made it this far, that's not weak

"You've, you're not weak..."

Say the right words.  
What do I say?  
What do I say?  
Say it, say it right, what do I say?  
She said so much, it's my turn.

"I…"

I've got nothing.  
Say what needs said.  
Say anything…  
I don't know how to make any of this better.

Admit it.

"I'm sorry, Yuri. I don't know what to say. I. You're not weak." I bit my tongue, I'm muttering the same few words over and over after she went and told me so much.

Yuri looked over to my cup for a moment as she thought. Before I could gather my words in any way she spoke up again, "If you don't know what to say about what I've shared then… maybe just share what's on your mind. I wouldn't mind listening."

My eyes wandered as I tried to grasp what I wanted to say.

I really don't have anything.

"Look, Yuri." I pulled back and away from her as I braced my hands on my knees.

"I don't know how to respond or help or…" I feel a rush across my face as if I'm going to break down, and as quickly as it rises it disappeared. I'm on edge. Just take a deep breath, just speak and let it sort itself out. She'll understand, right? Probably better than I do, even.

"I try to look and sound confident in everything I do. I fake it all the time. You know this… You know I've hidden my weakness at school. I'm… sure you've noticed my attitude in class. I… don't have that much confidence in my poetry. To be honest I'm jealous of how well you paint with your words, or how creative Monika handles her concepts, or Sayori's emotionally charged pieces. And here I am playing it safe in my little corner. That's just one thing, but I act so tough. I act like I'm better than I am. It's important to me."

I'm embarrassing.

"The thing is, I act confident because if I play it off as if I'm already the best, then people believe me and I end up doing well… Or I think I do. People believe me when I'm confident. Sometimes I believe myself. The things I should be confident about, I'm just not. I'm used to that. But this… Helping you, being the right person to help you… I need to be confident about this. I need to be the right person. I have to be. I can't fake it, it has to be true. I need to know the right things to say or do, I need to do this right because you deserve the best support you can get." None of this helps her.

"But I'm not." I squeezed my knees for a small distraction.

"I'm not confident, because I know I'm not the right person to help you. Not in the way you deserve. I can do my best, but I…"

Take a breath.

"Every night since I found out, I've stayed up reading. I've searched and searched for the right words. For an understanding. For what I'm supposed to do; Is it okay? Is it as bad as I feel it is? How do I help? Do I even help or am I only going to make things worse?" I'm rambling.

"Just thinking about it makes my mind race. I'm lost. I often worry that I'm not good enough, but this is, this is something I'm completely certain of. I know what I want. I want to help you, no matter what that means. I think it means helping you stop, but, that's as far as I know. I want to hear you, I want to be there for you, and I want to make this better." My throat hurts, it's clenching in on itself.

"But…" My arms started shaking, she must have noticed by now.

"I will mess this up. I will, if it's just me. I will make things worse. I want to help, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you, but I'm… lost. I knew nothing about cutting before this, and after all my reading I'm just… I'm certain I know better than I did before, but I know, I'm certain I'll say the wrong things. I'll push you the wrong direction, I'll react the wrong way, I'll promote the wrong behavior or suggest a solution that only makes things worse." I'm crying, I don't know how my voice is getting out with how much my throat hurts. I want to be better for her, but I know I'm not.

"I'd never mean for anything to go wrong… I'd never mean to say the wrong things. It would just come out that way. I would make things worse. I… I can't do that to you. I'm not the right person to help you get better, not completely. I.. I… I" I'm breaking down. My voice is shaking like a leaf as I turned away and looked to the wall, anything to pretend I'm not here. To steady myself somehow. I quickly wiped at my face before trying to speak again.

"I'm not confident about things I know how to do, how can I be about this. And this is something I have to be, that I need to be. I have to be my best in order to help you the right way and I… I just don't know how to be that. Not yet. Maybe not ever… it's a… complicated issue and I don't know if I'm capable in the first place."

A pause. I can't hear her. My own breathing is drowning out any sound she could be making. I can feel her still sitting beside me.

"I think you need better help than me. Professional. I can only do so much…"

Now I can hear Yuri. She's leaned forward covering her face just barely in my peripheral as I looked off to the side. Her breathing is as ragged as my own. I know I just messed up. That's not what you say. I don't think that's what you say. I might have made her feel as disgusting as she says. I just told her to get help.

I braced for the worst. I turned back to Yuri and placed a hand on her shoulder. She's… not crying. I don't think she's crying. She might sound choked up, but she's not sobbing. She's just covering her face, soaking this in I guess.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have said that, maybe I should leave…"

"No. Natsuki. It's fine." Yuri had uncovered her face and reached over to grab my hand as I attempted to rise from the couch.

"It's just an emotional night. I'm sorry for the mixed messages. You're thinking too much about what you have to do right, but that's why I know you're the right person to help me. Because I don't need you to magically fix me. I couldn't possibly expect such a thing. I don't want you to know every right step, because I'm pretty sure that's not how any of this works.I just… need someone to care, and you care so, so much. You're support and care over these weeks has been incredible on its own. But again, I don't expect that to fix my problems. They run a lot deeper than just a tendency to cope in an unhealthy way. I… I need to be the one working on that." Even hearing this, I felt nothing but surprised when she gave me a beautiful, if rather exhausted smile. I can feel my cheeks heating up just seeing it… Damn it.

"You really went out of your way to find out how to do your best for me… I honestly can't think of anyone who's done that before."

"But I don't know how!" I felt emboldened back to a somewhat louder tone by her happier words.

Yuri giggled at my exasperated tone, "You did just fine in a small way! I don't need you to know how, I just need you. I needed your support and care to help me remember to take better care of myself. At least for right now, to jumpstart all of this, I don't want to rely on you as a reminder to care for myself, but, you did help remind me. You helped me so much just by doing what you already do. I needed someone to help convince me that I'm worth caring about. There are… professional means for me to get a better hold of my emotions, as you recommended. We both know that. I've just… never felt like it mattered enough, not for me. I've handled myself my way and by myself. I knew I was making mistakes, I didn't think I deserved any better." I gave Yuri a frown which she gave a small smile in response.

"But right now… Seeing how you care, feeling this much support. I think I can take those steps. I know I can do better, and I think it's about time I start. Just you coming here when I felt this way did more than you could ever know. I still feel shaken, but I should have fallen into darker place hours ago. Yet I'm still here, still standing on two legs, figuratively at least."

Yuri's hand found my own again and squeezed tightly before she gently pulled me into an embrace.

"Before the week's up I'll check in for more professional help, but trust me when I say every ounce you've given me has done nothing but good. I already feel so much more in control just having someone who cares."

Nothing else was said beyond small words of affection as I held her as tightly as I could. Eventually our combined exhaustion began to get the best of us as I ended up pushing Yuri over so we could lay on the couch together.

Maybe I…  
I definitely can, and am helping.  
Even if I don't know everything about how to.  
She's so sweet.  
God, I hope things get better, she deserves that much.

I could hear her breathing change as she finally fell asleep. She was up all night, so I'm not surprised she was so quick to pass out. I continued tracing along her arm as I had fallen into doing in our cuddled position. We never cleared up what we would do about class tomorrow. Something tell me we're skipping seeing as Yuri never set an alarm, and I'm not really feeling up to setting my own on my phone.

Maybe it'll be good for us.  
Maybe it's unfair to say, but we deserve a break.  
I can't believe this is how things went.  
I've worried about Yuri for so long now with almost no view behind the veil.  
Every day without getting to talk about things has been another layer of stress.  
She didn't seem to have the same problem…  
I guess she already knew more of my story than I did her own.  
Maybe tomorrow I'll-

My phone buzzed in my pocket.

I thought it was in my bag?  
I guess I had it on me, but who's messaging me now?

Being careful as to not wake up Yuri, I reached down and grabbed my phone and tilted it so I didn't pour light onto her sleeping face as I checked.

Papa: "You fcking bitch where the fuck are you"

My heart dropped.

How?  
He had no reason to check this early.  
He usually only gets up after I've already left for class.  
What the hell?  
I thought I was home free?

Another buzz, a new message.

Papa: "YOU LEFT THE FUCING DOR OPEN FOR ANY FUCK TO ROB US BLIND YOU DUMB BITCH WHERE ARE YOU"

I'm in a cold sweat, my heart hurts.  
I'm a fucking moron.


	9. Chapter 9 (Final)

Fog and the Flame - Ch 9

I let out a sigh; What must have been the hundredth since we started walking, and glanced up from the ground to make sure we're still heading the right way.

Yuri's squeezing my hand. She's been glued to me since I spilled the beans about Papa's texts.

There was a moment of calm this morning as Yuri woke me up to explain that we were too late to make it to class and offered to make some late breakfast for our day in. But I had to go and ruin it.

Should have just lied.  
Should never have dragged her into any of this.

When I checked my phone for the time I was reminded of where my conversation with Papa ended.

Papa: "YOU LEFT THE FUCING DOR OPEN FOR ANY FUCK TO ROB US BLIND YOU DUMB BITCH WHERE ARE YOU"

Nat: "I'm sorry I'll be home tomorrow I'm really sorry."

I don't remember when I fell asleep; It wasn't for long regardless. There were a few texts I hadn't seen before I passed out.

Papa: "We are going to talk when you get home and if I get a call about you skipng today you better believe thats coming up too Irresponsible."

Papa: "Im getting ready for work now you better tell me where the fuck youre running off to when you get home whatever game youre playing is fucking over If youre not home when I get there Ill fucking track you down and drag you home with the police if I have to."

Yuri saw right through me. She said I looked sick or scared and asked what was wrong. I couldn't think of anything to say. I tried to think but I just started crying. I was still scared. I don't like messing up like this. I don't want to see him again.

She hugged me tightly.

I showed her.

I'm an idiot.

I had no idea how she was going to react. I hoped I could convince her to go to class late to leave me alone, but she…

She begged me to let her come with me.

And now holding my hand is this wonderful person as we prepare to wait at my house for Papa to return from work.

She's going to see this.  
Papa will tell me off.  
She'll watch.  
She'll think less of me.  
Then she'll leave and Papa will punish me.  
Why did I let her come?

I trust her.

"Are you feeling alright, Natsuki?" I shook my head from my thoughts, but Yuri got a different message as she squeezed my hand tightly. "It's going to be okay, I promise. You're not alone in this, and I'll do what I can to de-escalate things. You have my word."

Damn you…

"Just… don't think less of me after this. I know you think you've already seen through me, but I'm…"

Helpless.

"There's nothing I can do against him. I rely on him and he's knows it. Besides, he's right…"

Yuri stopped along the path and nearly made me trip as her grip on my hand remained, tugging me back.

"Natsuki." She scowled as she looked further down the pathway, refusing to look my way. I turned away.

I can feel it coming.  
She doesn't understand.  
It's my fault.

"He's not right, you do know that, don't you?" She sounds worried.

"Of course… but I still."

"No. It doesn't matter beyond that. He's not right to treat you like this. He's not right to hurt you or control you. He's wrong. It doesn't matter if you broke a rule, you haven't earned his rebuttal. You don't deserve this."

I know…

"I knew better."

"I don't care. It doesn't matter if you broke some rule or made a mistake. This isn't right. The fear I saw in your eyes this morning isn't right. The way he… You know it's not right. That it's all wrong, not just how he handles things. I don't care if you left a door open or if he keeps a roof over your head, it doesn't justify this."

I don't have anything left in me to respond. I'm screwed when we see Papa. It doesn't matter who's right, what's going to happen is going to happen. Of course it's wrong. But it's how things work.

I hate him.

Yuri squeezed my hand and I tried my best to offer a smile as she looked me in the eyes. She knows I'm faking it, but it feels okay. I'm going in there to face him, and she's here to back me up. We started back on the path.

It didn't take long to get to my neighborhood, but the silence made the trip feel like it dragged on.

Despite the empty driveway I couldn't help but feel my chest tighten as we approached the doorway.

Do I knock?  
He's not home.  
Just go.

Clenching my jaw I reached up and tried to knob as I dug in my pocket for the key.

It's locked, so that's a good sign?  
Maybe?  
Relax already and just get inside.

"I guess we have some time to ourselves afterall." I said, more to myself than Yuri, as I waved her inside and closed the door behind us.

I took a deep breath and looked around to see what terrible sight I might be dragging my girlfriend into.

Thankfully it's not… too bad. It's been a few days since Papa and I were last in the mood to clean things up, but that also means it's only been a few days of buildup for messes. From the entry we could see that the kitchen was a little unkempt as some condiments sit on the table from, likely, sandwiches made for lunch either today or the day before. The living room was mostly intact with the messiest sight being a fast food bag and a couple bits of trash that had fallen to the floor.

Honestly? It looks fine. Normal even. Thank god. While I mostly kept people away because of Papa, part of me was always ashamed of the living conditions we put up with on top of that. So it was a relief that I wasn't walking Yuri into a dumpster to prepare for Papa's temper. Instead I just lead Yuri into a unkempt den to prepare for Papa's temper… Silver lining.

I walked over to the dining table we keep to the side of the kitchen and began cleaning it off. Mostly just for myself; To keep myself busy to avoid being overcome with stress, though I suppose we'll need a place to talk with Papa, too.

I felt my shoulder tighten as if to avoid a rush down my back. I think I'm afraid, but at this point it's just becoming a constant noise that's growing easier to ignore. It's coming, but I have to just sit through it for now. Put on a brave face like I always do. Play the part for Yuri so she can leave and hopefully…

Maybe she won't realize how helpless things are. She'll leave and think things are better. I can make it seem that way for her. It'd be easier for her if she thinks it's better. Maybe Papa will play it up like that too, I doubt he wants it all out in the open.

Just play the part.

No.  
She's seen through me before.  
She'll see through me again.  
But what do I do?  
I'm better than this, don't lie for her sake.

I felt myself jump as Yuri placed her hand on my shoulder.

"Sorry! You just seemed distracted and you weren't responding." She quickly moved around me and picked the rest of the general paperwork and dishes and stacked them on the kitchen counter as I had been.

"Are you worried?" She asked.

I blunk as I argued with myself over my answer before admitting as I took a seat, "Yes. I. I don't want you to see any of this."

"You don't think anything will happen while I'm here, do you?" Yuri took the seat next to mine, leaving the opposite end of the table vacant.

"No! No, no, no. He would never. He has never. That wouldn't happen, I just." I sound nervous. I am nervous. "It's not that. I don't. I don't want you to see how… helpless I am around him. I just don't see tonight leading to anything other than more of the same, but this time you get to see half of it. I don't want that."

I heard Yuri sigh before she reached over to hold my hand, "I'm not going to think less of you for something like this. I couldn't possibly. I want to be here for you, to help keep things from getting out of control, but if you don't want me here-"

"No! No. I don't… completely know what I want, and it's a relief to hear, I guess. I think I'd like the support. I'd like you here. Please."

She smiled my way and we took a breath, possibly my first relaxed moment today as I leaned in close to my girlfriend and rest my head on her shoulder.

"I'm just scared, and I don't have a plan. But. But we can make this okay. I think it will be easier to face him with you here."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

It'll be okay.  
We'll play things by ear.  
Explain what happened.  
It's fine.

Yuri shook me softly and whispered something I couldn't make out. I groaned as I opened my eyes and attempted to make sense of things.

My neck is stiff. We're still at the kitchen table. Did I fall asleep?

Shit.

I shot up and gave Yuri a panicked look, but before I could ask she answered, "Relax, he's not here yet. I just figured it was getting close to when your father would get home. Do you feel any better after your nap?"

It took me a moment to collect myself, but I nodded as I stretched and looked out the window. "You're comfy." I idly said, my voice still dripping with weariness. He will be here soon and I don't remotely know what we'll do aside from apologize and hope he lets me off easy.

Of course...

There he is. That's his car coming down the road. I'm not ready.

"Here he comes…" Yuri sat up slightly as she noticed.

Within a few moments he had pulled in the driveway and began towards the door.

He looks tired.  
Better than upset.

I felt myself tense up as we heard the door open and his voice call out for me.

"Nat! You around yet? I'd like to get this done and over with so I can get some rest."

I swallowed and called his attention to the kitchen, "Over here, Papa."

An exaggerated sigh and the sound of his shoes being kicked off as he rounded the corner to see the two of us waiting. His brow furrowed briefly before shaking his head and seemingly accepting the situation.

"Why, hello there. You must be one of Nat's friends." Papa walked over and took a seat opposite of us before looking my way. "I was meaning to speak to you, Nat. You know that. Why'd you drag a friend over?" His voice sounds calm, but it's obvious in his stare that he's annoyed with me.

"I… well… I…"

"I offered to come since I'm the reason Natsuki snuck out last night. I heard she was in trouble and I wanted to apologize for causing this." Papa turned his gaze back to Yuri and gave an overly acted response.

"There's no need for you to apologize!" He practically sang, I should have expected this. "You didn't know that Nat's not supposed to go sneaking out at night, regardless of if you assumed it or not. You didn't know. You, on the other hand-" He glared my way. "Know better. You know the rules. I let you stay under this roof and I only ask that you follow the rules." Papa has a habit of talking with his hands, shaking and gesturing towards me to emphasize his disappointment and annoyance. Always his disappointment and annoyance.

"So I'd appreciate it a lot more if you were the one apologizing instead of dragging your friends over to fess up to something you did." Papa gave a half nod towards Yuri as he spoke as if apologizing to her for me wasting her time.

"Anything you want to say, Nat? Or should I just ask your friend to leave so you can start dealing with your punishment after leaving us open to thieves like an incompetent jackass." His tone lost its facade as he finished.

I looked down to the table and fought the lump in my throat. It hasn't even started yet, but this is going the way I feared. There's nothing we can do to make this better. Of course. Instead we're just making it worse and showing it all off to Yuri firsthand.

I'm such an idiot.

A loud boom made me jump in my seat as the table shook violently under Papa's clenched fist.

"I said, do you have anything to say, Nat? After sneaking out? After leaving the damn door open? After showing me nothing but disrespect for all I put up with?" His voice seethed with anger, raising just enough to shake me without shouting.

I feel my eyes sting and my voice leave my throat even moreso. It's happening and she's seeing it and I'm worthless.

"Sir, you should calm down, there's no reason for us to be so upset over something like this." Steady and strong; Did she even realize what just happened? No, she's scared too. But she's hiding it. How is she holding strong?

Papa groaned and let out his breath, "I am calm, but please, don't tell me what to do in my own god damn house." I can't look up after that, I feel frozen staring down. I hear him clear his throat before he continued.

"That said, I'm sorry you have to see this, but don't go poking your nose in shit that doesn't concern you. Nat knows she's done wrong, and she knows she deserves to be told off if all she's going to do is disrespect me after a long day of work." His voice was calmer, but he's still gruff and scary. Please don't convince her to leave. Please.

A deep sigh came from across the table. "Why are you here anyway? I've been rude as can be, what's your name? It's hard to keep track of all Nat's little friends. Damn shame you picked today to visit, it's pretty fucked up of Nat to go and drag a friend over knowing she's in trouble."

I raised my head and stared up at Papa only to see his annoyance growing. He thinks I did this to protect myself.

Did I?  
Selfish.  
I'm sorry.

"It's Yuri, sir. I'm here for Natsuki. I couldn't let her take responsibility for something that isn't her fault." Yuri sounds so certain, how is she talking? I need to speak for myself, I can't do this, I can't just stay down and let her try to talk down Papa alone.

"Well ain't that honorable and kind of you. Lotta good that does Nat. The brat is just taking advantage of you, I thought she learned to stop doing that to her friends but I guess not." He flashed me a cold stare as he rested his chin in a hand, presumably waiting on Yuri.

"She's not taking advantage of me, I told you. I'm here for her because it's my fault she came out in the first place." Yuri sounds cold.

Papa scowled. "And I told you I don't fucking care because she disobeyed me. She knows the rules, and she knows that she should have simply told you no. How am I supposed to trust or respect a child of mine who sneaks around behind my god damn back. So I appreciate you stepping up and attempting to take responsibility, that's a very good characteristic that I wish a certain daughter of mine shared. But it would be ideal if that rubbed off on her and she had taken responsibility herself instead of you trying to cover up for her." He began tapping his fingers along the table impatiently.

"I think you should go now. Natsuki isn't going to be hanging out with friends for a little while."

No!

"I did sneak out!" I shouted as I gripped Yuri's hand under the table tightly. The lump in my throat practically made me nauseous but I pushed through.

Please don't go.

Papa turned to me with nothing but disdain, "Too little too late, I already know that, you fucking idiot. You should have apologized to begin with but now I have to go and check the damn table legs after this nonsense so it'd mean nothing to me now. That said, you best believe I'm keeping your stubborn little attitude in mind for later. And it would figure that your friends are just as dumb as you are; Who volunteers to take the fall for an irresponsible kid like you? Wasting your time with Nat, heh, your head might need examined because that's a bad judgement call there." Papa gave a smug smile before chuckling to himself.

I swallowed hard and felt my face flush as I practically growled back at him, "I snuck out for someone who means a lot to me, you piece of shit."

Papa leaned back in his seat and ran his resting hand along his chin, "What was that?" he said through grit teeth.

"You heard me." My heart is racing, "Someone I care about a lot called me asking for help and I went to do just that. I didn't mean to leave the front open, but honestly? I don't fucking care. Go ahead and do your worst, I did the right thing and made a little mistake and you want to explode things and embarrass and demonize me and treat me like shit, go ahead. I'm done letting you control my life and I'm not fucking sorry." I'm shaking like a leaf, but it's not fear, or at least not entirely fear. I'm cranked up on so much adrenaline I can barely think straight.

"Is that so?" He asked with that same anger tinged gruff.

It went silent as I squeezed Yuri's hand for dear life. I'm terrified, but this is different. I'm pissed. If she wasn't holding just as tightly I'd probably break.

Papa had leaned back over the table by this point and was staring me down, fingers rolling on the table slower and slower each time before he finally looked away from my glare. Turning to Yuri he said plainly, "It looks like I might have misread this story a touch."

Silence as he looked at her, then back to me. Never once losing the glare he had to offer, but the tone had turned from anger to contemplation; As if he was putting pieces together in a puzzle.

It doesn't matter to him does it?

"Yuri, was it?" She nodded. He fell silent again as he continued his staredown.

Finally, he turned back to me, his face cold and hard and his voice steady and devoid of emotion which just made it more intimidating. "It's been a long time since you've talked back to me like that, you know, Nat?" Yuri squeezed my hand back. "It seems like you must be something special, eh, Yuri?" Papa began chewing on the inside of his cheek, seemingly mulling something over.

If he does anything to her I swear to god.  
Don't you dare drag her deeper into this.  
Focus on me, you coward.

"You know? I think your mother would like this one, Nat. Stubborn when dealing with something important to her. Heh." My eyes went wide. He let out a sigh as he collapsed his hands to the table and looked down to them. More silence.

Mom?

He took a deep breath and spoke quietly but clearly.

"I'm tired, upset, and frankly done with this bull shit. I want honest answers. Nothing more nothing less, keep it short and let me get this over with." Papa cleared his throat.

"Yuri? I'm right to assume you're both together, romantically speaking, right? I'm not listening to the chirpings of the wrong bird here, am I?"

Yuri seemed bewildered by the change in tone but nodded all the same.

"Nat, that true?"

"Yes."

Papa's eyes trailed upward as he seemed to tie together some scheme in his head before continuing, motioning towards Yuri with his hands as he spoke, "How serious are things? Ready to fall apart in a week or so or what?"

I'm pretty sure we both glared at him which seemed like a good enough answer.

"You got a spare room?"

Yuri was clearly thrown off balance, as was I, "What? A, yes, but-"

"Fantastic! Because I have this disrespectful gremlin of a child-" He coughed, "A young woman I should say, old enough to move out but damn near unemployable." My mind raced as Papa took on the tone of a parent playfully teasing at a time like this. "You wouldn't believe the hassle it is keeping her in line, I swear. She's loud, sneaks behind my back, and honestly she's a huge burden. It's almost as if she goes out of her way to make my life hell." I felt my stomach turn as he laughed at his own little show.

"I know what you're thinking, why haven't I kicked her to the curb! But how could I go and do that? I'm her father after all. I couldn't force her out into that inhospitable world alone, and if she ever ran off I'd be terrified of the potential liability I'd be under if something happened to her. I'm not enjoying a week of peace and quiet only for a knock on the door from a drugged up pregnant daughter of mine begging to come back home, if you know what I mean."

Asshole.

"But let's say she had some place to go. And an agreement with her old man to never come knocking back on my door. Well hell, that sounds swell in my book." He seems so pleased with himself, it's sickening. But this…

"Say, Yuri. You said you had a spare room, you looking for tenants?" He grinned as his plan to rid himself of me came out clearly for us to see.

"Y..yes, of course. It's a spacious home and if it was someone I knew I'd love to take someone in." She's shocked.

"Can't say the person in question can contribute much of jack shit, but hey that's your decision to make. Or, maybe not yours entirely. How'd that sound to you, Nat? Hell if I even know if you're trying to find a place to move out to, but let's say it's a hypothetical."

I…  
Of course I do!  
But this feels so forced.  
Like a pleasant way of kicking me out.

Does that change my answer?

"I do, if that was okay with everyone, yes, yes I'd like to move out." My chest is thumping, my mind is racing back and forth. I honestly don't know how to feel.

"Hmm. You know what you two? Call me crazy but I think I just thought of an arrangement. No more bullshit. Nat? You fucked up. I'm tired of working myself raw for a little punk who can't hold a job, leaves her shit all around the house and generally shows me no goddamn respect. And with this I think the punishment is pretty damn clear, so you should be excited because it was a team effort."

He loves to hear himself speak when he feels clever, the asshole.

"I'm kicking you out, Nat. I'm tired of your shit." He looked out the window and seemed to review his decision before turning back.

"Papa… really? I get to just leave?"

"Shut it. You and I both know what are relationship is. I don't like you. I don't like how seeing you makes me think of your mother. I don't like anything about the little stain of a person you've become. So this isn't my decision, this is just a little send off for her. I loved her… My part in this are the terms."

"Terms?" Yuri asked.

"I said I'm done dealing with you and I meant it. Short of the law requiring us to interact for taxes or identifying a damn body or whatever the fuck else, I'm done with you. Short of those situations, you're dead to me. You don't come here for help. You don't come here to visit. I don't give a damn how your life goes. Seeing you pisses me off and makes me miss her. I'm done." He sighed angrily as he stood up.

"I don't want you having any reason to come back so before you leave pack up your shit. I'll make a few calls and get a moving truck here to drag it all where ever you need it. How's that sound for you? No safety net, no coming back. One night of packing and we're done. Figure this puts you in a better place than kicking you to the streets."

"I…" I looked to Yuri and despite her surprise she offered a smile and nodded for me to agree. "That sounds good to us. You won't have to deal with me again after tonight."

Papa started to give an unconvinced look before shaking his head and verbally doubling down, "I better not."

With that he took out his phone and walked away toward the living room, tossing a gesture our way to go upstairs to begin packing.

I looked down to see my hands, one holding Yuri's loosely while the other sat against my thigh which had a fresh scratch across it, likely from the shock of the table being slammed.

I feel exhausted.

"Are you okay?" Yuri asked softly as she slowly stood up and gently pulled my arm to entice me to do the same.

"Y..yeah. Just. It's a lot to take in." I let a breath out before it hit me like a truck, "Yuri! Are you sure? You're kidding, I can't just move in, what in the world were you thinking? I'm thankful, I want to, but what about you?"

A sharp hush came from the living room as Papa attempted to make his call.

"Natsuki, of course I'm sure. I wasn't lying about the room, and of course I can support you just fine. My parents do well to keep the finances under control since I'm still in school, and my part time at the library gives more than enough money to cover the difference. I was living frugal before this, it'll be fine."

I muttered quietly as I leaned closer, Yuri instinctively putting her arms around me, "It was so forced though… are you really sure? I promise I'll do what I can. I know I can get work somewhere to help, and I'll move out the second I can if you don't want me around."

Yuri simply hushed me and hummed softly as she hugged me tightly.

We stayed like that for a time before I slowly pulled away and quietly apologized again, only for Yuri to repeat that this is a good thing.

She's right.

"Thank you, Yuri."

"I love you, too, Natsuki" She hummed as she began up the stairs, leaving me stunned just long enough to have to chase after her thanks to the new shock she just gave me.

It didn't take long for the two of us to pack up my belongings, aside from the bed and dresser, there wasn't a lot of heavy lifting to be done. We stacked everything near the front door and once the truck arrived Papa dragged the driver inside to help move the heavier furniture down as well, claiming he didn't want a single excuse for me to come back. I tried to argue that I didn't care about the stupid things, but he seemed more excited to have the room empty than concerned about what I wanted.

Before I knew it Yuri and I were laying in her bed, tired in so many ways that it hurt.

"You swear you're okay with this? I can sleep in the guest bedroom or even my bed since it's just sitting in the living room right now."

Yuri giggled as she pushed deeper under the covers, "Of course. We've already slept together on not one but two different couches, I think you getting to rest in my bed feels just right."

I scratched the back of my head and couldn't help but smile. I'm not sure if she noticed, but ever since the confrontation with Papa, Yuri had been making me blush repeatedly. Maybe she's trying to lighten things up. Whatever it was, I really appreciated it since it helped anchor me after that emotional shock.

"I wasn't kidding earlier, you know." I said as I finally admitted defeat and pulled the blanket over myself.

"Hmm?" Yuri tossed a little closer.

"I'll get a job and help out around here. I'm sure I can do it. I know I can. It was the stress at home that kept screwing things up before. I know I can do it."

A laugh seeped from under the covers as Yuri pulled me closer, "I believe in you, just don't go worrying okay? We're a team. You're not a burden on me. We're together in this. You go out there and get a job, but don't go feeling like you owe me some price. You're my girlfriend, and I'm yours. Let's just, tackle tomorrow together, okay?"

I cracked a smile and gave her a kiss on the nose, "Okay."

"I love you." She repeated as she returned my kiss.

"I love you, too." I smiled as I closed my eyes.

Time slowed and finally stopped. I had a lot to work on, but I felt more secure and supported than before. Yuri and I both have a lot to focus on for our own health, but we're in this together now. We'll find professional help and we'll push forward together. It feels possible now, things feel a lot easier when we know we have someone to lean on when things get hard.

But.

Everything feels like it's going to be okay.

Everything feels like it's going to be even better than that, even.

Everything cooled, and I fell asleep in the arms of my wonderful friend, girlfriend, and love.

Good night.

Author:

Whoo.

This is such a relief. It took ages to get this story together. I just wanted to take a short moment to thank you all for reading and for all the comments that have been left on my work. It's honestly so unbelievably encouraging and makes the stress of posting a chapter turn into pure relief to hear someone enjoyed it.

That said, I sincerely hope you enjoyed The Fog and the Flame!

It was amazing creating this story and I really hope you found something to like within it. To add to that I wanted to say that on AO3 I have uploaded this same story and due to sheer convenience I'll be uploading a bonus chapter to that site if anyone wishes to read a bit more.

NO it won't be relevant. No it won't be an epilogue. It's merely going to be the haphazard clippings of cut content this story has undergone with a little editorializing from myself. So if you want that, it should be going up in a few days because it won't take long to just copy paste and haphazardly commentate my old ramblings.

Thank you all again, and I hope you enjoyed The Fog and the Flame! And comments are incredibly appreciated, thank you.


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